


Don't Say You'll Stay

by LadyZephyr



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:01:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 33,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26894863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyZephyr/pseuds/LadyZephyr
Summary: Delphine Cormier resides with her family in Paris, France.  The older couple who rent the downstairs apartment from them host international students for language exchange programs. When Cosima Niehaus arrives one day, Delphine anticipates more of the same. She gets far more than she bargained for.
Relationships: Delphine Cormier/Cosima Niehaus
Comments: 137
Kudos: 109





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This work was abandoned by me in 2016 when I got distracted writing Ties that Bind instead. I have decided to give it a shot and see if I can finish it now (hopefully it doesn't get too long).
> 
> WTF am I doing? I don't know!

_ May 1997 _

The courtyard is not where I would have usually chosen to study. I flip through the pages of my newest textbook. I sigh, usually better at concentrating than this. Instead I move, letting myself swing on the covered garden swing, enjoying the grounds that my family does little to upkeep, but nonetheless enjoy regularly.

“Bonjour Monsieur Lalonde.” I greet the elderly neighbour from downstairs as he enters the courtyard carrying a large suitcase. I don’t even need to look up. I recognize his walk.

“Allo Delphine.” He waves behind him, a girl approaching, with short dark hair and large glasses. “This is our new host student, Cosima.”

“Hey! I mean, bonjour.” The girl tries to correct herself, her accent is awful, American probably, but she seems pleasant enough as she crosses the courtyard to shake my hand. She wears a short red dress over tights with clunky boots. Multiple rings litter her fingers. I take a moment to take her in. Not quite what I was expecting.

“Bievenue Cosima. Enchantée.” I greet her with the same words that I have used on the last six students to live with André and Marie-Claire Lalonde. It was always the same story, they’d come, they’d practice their French, inevitably I would be asked to show them around, I would, and the boys would try to sleep with me. They would get angry or annoyed when I refused. The one other girl they’d had had shown little interest in me, once I’d shown her around. She’d taken an unsurprising interest in my younger brother Sebastien and the two of them had spent the last three weeks of her time here making love as loudly and obnoxiously as possible.

Cosima smiles back, taking my hand, “Enchantée.”

“See?” André grinned, “You’ve made a friend already.”

This is, of course, bullshit. Cosima is just another in a line of students just passing through. She’ll probably try to bed Sebastien within two weeks, and then there will be an inevitable falling out. And I will have to listen to all of it. The screaming. The headboard hitting the wall. The inevitable fighting and sulking. I cannot say I am looking forward to any of it, so I say nothing. Perhaps, perhaps Cosima will surprise me.

She’s led away, into the building. She’s lucky to have been placed in such a nice area. I return my attention to the book, not used to reading this material in English, I find myself exhausted by it.

I wake to a small hand gently shaking her shoulder.

“Umm Delphine. Tu va … umm you’re going to burn if you don’t wake up.” Cosima’s voice rings clearly as I blink my eyes, blearily forcing myself up off the bench.

“Oh… Merci. I’m sorry. I - I forgot. And I am not supposed to speak to you in English.” I apologize quickly, myself up to her feet. 

“Honestly?” Cosima giggled, “My French sucks... I actually decided to do this exchange to bum around Europe by train on the weekends. And like meet people.”

I smile back, “You’re not the first one.” I admit with a wry grin. I think back to those boys, their stupid lines and interest in bedding French women more than their studies. One had travelled to Italy and Germany on the weekends, managing to have several small affairs in the months he was here. He’d tried with me too, but ultimately I’d left him unsatisfied. 

“But I’m like happy to end up near you. I mean, they’re nice old people you know. But having you upstairs kind of makes it for me. I mean, Marie-Claire said you’re nice to us students, that you show us around when you have the time.” Cosima shifts, almost nervously as if she expects me to reject her outright. It’s a funny thing to say, when we’ve only just met.

I laugh. “Yes. I do.”

“Mostly guys though, they said. I hope you’ll, like, show me around anyway. I mean, I see you’re reading some pretty cool shit.”

“You like genetics?” I ask. Cosima certainly seems intent on eyeing my book, left open on the swing next to me.

“I am going into my second year at Berkeley. Bachelor of science in life sciences.” 

“Same… Well biochemistry, and here in Paris.” I nod. 

“Let me guess, you’re going to be a doctor?” Cosima looks me over curiously.

“That is the plan.” I respond with a smile. “Medical school. My parents want that for me. And I want it too…” More than that, it’s what is expected of me. 

Cosima reads easily between the lines. “But?”

“Maybe… maybe there’s more to learn or do. Maybe I want to work in research.” I wonder aloud. Certainly I wouldn’t have to deal with nearly as many people that way. But it wasn’t what was planned.

“I don’t know what I want to do yet. I like my anthropology courses a lot. Biology or chemistry is probably more useful though.” Cosima tilts her head. “I think it’s OK to just figure it out as you go. I mean, there’s plenty to do in the sciences. And if I struggle I’ll just go into experimental cloning. I mean if I don’t mind 277 attempts for one cloned sheep.” Cosima laughs at her own joke.

“I see you’ve been reading about Dolly too.” Delphine laughs before continuing. “You don’t feel the need to plan?”   
  
“Not now.” Cosima laughs. “So… are you going to show me how to get to campus?”   
  


“I can do that. But don’t you have a map? You always have maps. The students I mean. And it’s easy, we take the metro.”

Cosima winces. “I’m like really bad at reading maps. I will end up halfway across the city in the wrong direction bad.” 

Something about Cosima makes me respond quickly, wanting to put an end to her fear of getting lost in Paris. “I’ll help you!” I tell her firmly. “I won’t let you get lost.”

“Good.” Cosima agrees, looking at me intently. I find myself feeling oddly at ease, despite the intensity. Perhaps this would be different than usual. 

* * *

  
  


“Hey, Delphine!” Cosima meets me outside the science building on campus. She’s been learning her way around well for the last week. Certainly well enough to figure out where to fnd me.

“Bonjour Cosima.” I look up, I can’t deny that I am pleased to see her. 

“You just finish a lab?” Cosima wonders aloud, quickly moving to keep pace with me as I exit the building.

“Yes. All done.” I nod. I should be studying in the library. But something stops me. Maybe, maybe there is time for just a little fun.

“You done class for the day?” I ask. I know most days Cosima will only have courses in the morning. It’s her job to occupy the rest of her own time here. Though I am fairly certain they run some sort of activities for the students. Whether they attend is another story.

“Yes. And I spoke French or tried to all morning. Let me talk English?” Cosima asks hopefully. “Otherwise we cannot manage to talk genetics or cloning. No way. I do not have that sort of vocabulary in French yet.”

  
“What are you up to? In your classes?” I ask, wondering just where Cosima’s French ability is sitting at present.

  
“We’re up to the imparfait and passé composé. It’s still review for me. Which is good. But much more and I will be lost.” Cosima smiles wryly.

“You can do it. You’re clever.” I try to assure her.

Cosima stops, scuffling one boot on the ground as she asks. “Want to grab some food?”

“Yes.” I answer decisively. “I would.”

“Great. I’m like starving.” Cosima smiles again. “And lunch with you sounds pretty perfect.”

  
I blush, unable to help myself. Cosima certainly seemed inclined to flatter me. 

I lead on, to a spot not far from campus. One that I know Cosima will enjoy, and likely want to introduce the other summer exchange students to.

“Oh perfect.” Cosima looks around when we arrive. “C’est...parfait?”

“Oui.” I nod, and quickly order for myself. I watch Cosima do the same. She occasionally stumbles over her words but manages fine without my help. Her pronunciation is fine, but heavily accented. It may improve over the four months she’ll spend here.

“So, still dreaming of pushing through your degree and doing med school as quickly as possible?”

“Yes.” I nod quickly. “I even started university early. At 17. I’ll be done with my baccalaureate when I am 20. Then I’ll start medical school the following term.” I tell this to Cosima quickly. This is something everyone knows. Something my musician brother cannot fathom doing at all, but it is expected of me.    
  
“You start early and you’re still working through the summers to speed it up?” Cosima tilts her head at me, a cautious look on her face. “Why?”

“Because I want it.” I answer honestly. “I want it over with, I’ll be a doctor. My parents will be delighted I amounted to something. And then… then I will figure out what I want to do with it.”

“You’ll have choices in medicine. Yeah.” Cosima agrees. “But… you won’t be reading about genetics and cloning much.”

“Probably not.” I agree. Unless I find a way to get back into research, I add quietly to myself. Perhaps medical research wasn’t quite as prized as being a medical doctor. But I could do both.

“I think you could do with having more fun, Delphine Cormier.” Cosima tells me bluntly. “I am going to make it my personal mission to get you to have more fun and slack off a bit while I am here.”

“But my courses…”   
  


“Won’t suffer. I have to study too, right? But we’ll find the time.” Cosima tells me. I watch her take a bite of her sandwich, the smile on her face makes it worth it. “Oh god. This is delicious.”

  
“The pastry is too.” I tell her softly. “It’s from a patisserie across town.”

“I will definitely try that.” Cosima agrees. 

“What do you miss about California?” I ask, swinging my legs from the bar stool at the cafe. I don’t know that much about Cosima yet, and it seems I will have the chance to learn.

“Other than my friends?” Cosima gets a mischievous look on her face. 

I startle briefly at the look. “What? What is it?”

“I’m going to miss sex. Definitely.” Cosima tells her bluntly. 

“Why? You’ll have opportunities here. Plenty of them.” I laugh. “You’re an Americaine in France. You’ll have men interested.” I leave out the _‘fille_ _façile’_ reputation Americans have here. Aside from that, Cosima is beautiful and vibrant, she’ll have plenty of offers.

Cosima becomes briefly awkward. “I’m…. I’m sort of involved with someone back home.”

“Oh!” I try to contain my surprise. I shouldn’t be. Clearly Cosima and I have our differences. That could complicate her trip, it had for others.

“I … I can’t really. It would be wrong.” Cosima tells her softly. “And I don’t want to ruin things because come September? I’ll be back home.”

“It could just be for fun. You don’t need to worry about a sort of someone back home.” A sort of someone, I thought, didn’t sound like enough of a reason if sex what otherwise something Cosima wanted to be having. But perhaps Cosima was in love with him. That is probably enough. At least she’ll want a friend, I rationalize to myself. I’ll be able to spend more time with her that way.

“Like I’m going to just have to live like a pathetic virgin for four months.” Cosima scoffs. “I haven’t gone that long ever.”

“Virgins are pathetic.” I agree instantly. Maybe I am pathetic. I certainly waited long enough that it was now a problem. And I certainly don't want Cosima to know  _ that _ . Why would I want to embarrass myself by admitting the truth in front of this impossibly cool girl?

  
“So just no boyfriend right now…? You just get it on with whatever man you like whenever you want?” Cosima looks me over curiously. “I just… I figured you’d probably be the boyfriend type.”

“Not anymore. And yes, why deny myself pleasure?” That much is true. There have been no boyfriends in a long time. The latter sounds more like one of my school friends. Not me. I had considered using the exchange students, it had been the suggestion of a school friend. Have sex with them, lose your virginity, get some experience under your belt and then wave goodbye at the end of their term. I’d come close once, but ultimately backed out. And it was getting embarrassing.

Cosima takes a breath, observing me cautiously. “I’m a lesbian.”

For a short moment I am stunned by Cosima’s revelation, but I try to brush it off nonchalantly. It shouldn’t be, after all. Homosexuality exists and I am not an ignorant person. This is France, such things have long been tolerated as long as they’re quietly out of sight. Who cares who Cosima wants to make love to? It shouldn’t make a difference.

“Alright. This is Paris… you still won’t have much of a problem finding willing lovers.” I shrug. There was a gay community definitely, I just hadn’t bothered thinking much about it.

“I know… here. I want to go to Berlin too. I was told it was a good place to be a lesbian.” Cosima mulls this over. “But, I don’t want to make my sort-of girlfriend angry. She’s so pissed I even went to France.”

“You should go anyway.” I urge her. “Enjoy yourself. Profitiez-bien d’être ici. Who cares if you have sex or not. There’s so much to see.”

“When do you enjoy yourself? Any time I see you, you’re home or on campus.” Cosima looks me over. She leans over on one arm, her free hand gesturing. A very not-american mannerism of hers I find quite endearing.

“Whenever I want.” I respond crossing my arms. That isn’t exactly a lie. I just don’t  _ want _ to. 

Cosima laughs easily. “But how?”

“Other than sex?” I ask unable to keep a laugh from my voice. “I study a lot. I read. Sometimes I go out. You have a lot to see and explore here. France is beautiful. And it’s cheap to take the train into Germany or Italy too… you can do a lot while you’re here.” 

“Hmm… maybe we’ll find some fun things to keep us both entertained. As long as you aren’t too busy.” Cosima giggles at me. “We could go to a club! Or… La Louvre. Or both… I mean you’ll show me all the sights right?”

“I will happily play tourist with you.” I agree with a small smile. This, this will be fun. 


	2. Chapter 2

We spend Cosima’s second weekend in France at Musée D’Orsay. Monsieur and Madame Lalonde were pleased as usual that I had taken a polite interest, and was making sure their guest saw and enjoyed Paris. I was saving the Eiffel tower until it gets just a bit warmer, but unlike some of the previous students Cosima doesn’t try to push me. Doesn’t ask to see particular parts of Paris. Simply asks me ‘Where next?’ and is happy to come along. Cosima was a joy to be around, and I found myself trying to schedule more blocks of free time for our adventures.

“OK. I actually find that way less overwhelming than La Louvre.” Cosima admits to me with a wry grin. “I swear I’m still going to have to go back to La Louvre another half dozen times to try to see anything. And.. the Mona Lisa does nothing for me as a painting.”

“You’re not the only one.” I giggle. But it’s getting late.”

“You have to go?” Cosima notices me checking my watch and asks. “So… hot date?”

I snort briefly, before responding honestly. “I am supposed to be home for dinner. I said I would be. It doesn’t matter. Sébastien won’t be but… he is a musician. I guess it’s expected of him.”

“Maybe. Maybe being the brainiac kid has its disadvantages.” Cosima shrugs. “I need a favour.”

“Anything.” I had given up speaking French with Cosima, at least when we weren’t being watched. Not that she couldn’t but it was so much easier for her, and her desire to bend the rules a little somehow didn’t bother me.

“What time is it back in California?” Cosima asks me, while looking like she’s intently trying to calculate the difference herself.

“Euh… subtract… nine hours?” I offer somewhat helpfully.

  
“I need to make a call.” Cosima looks at me with a small grimace as we stroll back towards the metro station. 

  
“So… make a call.” I gesture towards the nearest pay phone. Certainly, that is not complicated.

“I want you to...guard the phone. I don’t really want the Lalondes’ knowing. And… It’s private.”   
  


“I won’t listen.” I promise. “I’ll just… hang around.”

“Thanks Delphine. Tu es tres gentille.” Cosima compliments me, and even her atrocious accent makes me smile. I cannot help it, Cosima’s joie de vivre is contagious. I was enjoying my stint as volunteer tour guide more than ever before. And maybe, maybe that was enough. 

Cosima dials, still jittery, and I sigh. I don’t really need to bear witness to Cosima calling her lover back home. It seems inappropriate, so I turn my back and people watch for a while instead. But the conversation becomes difficult to ignore.

“Hey Lori.” Cosima begins. “Yeah… yes I know you told me not to go to fucking Paris. I know… Yes. Can we just talk… for like ten minutes?”

Less than ten minutes into Cosima’s call I began to regret my decision. Certainly, Cosima didn’t actually need me to guard the pay phone while she made expensive long distance transatlantic calls. And this call seemed like it was not going well. This was uncomfortable and it was far more than Cosima’s lover being a woman. 

It leaves me uneasy. I had imagined a great love story for my incredible, passionate, energetic Cosima. What I was forced to witness seemed very off. 

“You know I love you!” Cosima says loudly into the phone. “I just… it was an amazing opportunity for me. And…. that’s not fair Lori! You… you have your Master’s convocation. You have big things going on this summer… Yeah I know I am going to miss it. We can celebrate in September when I get back...No. I haven’t!”

“Cosima are you OK?” I ask softly under my breath. I find myself disliking this Lori more and more by the minute. Cosima had to see that whatever romance she had had was waning into something else.

“Yeah. I’m fine.” Cosima tells me, brushing off my concern. “That’s Delphine. Her family live in the apartment above my host family.”

I sigh and avert my eyes again, but it does nothing to block Cosima’s voice, as the conversation turns again.

“No. Delphine is my friend. Lori… Lori… stop.” Cosima begs quietly into the phone. “I only have so long… I don’t want to fight with you. You know I’m yours… Wait? What? You slept with who?!”

Cosima’s voice goes quiet again, and I try hard not to listen. This is not my business. And Cosima deserves her privacy. 

“Yeah. OK. I love you too. I’ll… I’ll try to call again next week. Bye baby.” Cosima hangs up the phone finally. 

“I… I am sorry.” I offer softly, moving to put one hand on Cosima’s shoulder as she exits the phone booth.

“It’s...it’s fine. Lori is like that sometimes. She can be kind of intense.” Cosima tells me, brushing it off. 

“She sounded very angry.” I summarize quickly. I wonder if the call was even worth it, but when I look at Cosima she seems calm about it again.

“She is. She… she didn’t want me to go on this exchange. Even though it’s only four months.” Cosima sighs. “And… she’s older. I’m going to miss her Master’s convocation. And… she gets jealous pretty easy.”   
  
“What does she have to be jealous of?” I raise my eyebrows. 

“I… I get attention back at Berkeley. From girls. From guys… She hates it. Like I cannot even go out with my friend Karen anymore. It’s a little excessive but she’s ...scared I think.” Cosima shrugs. “And I am younger so she… she thinks I am looking for the next thing. And… I’m not.”

“Sounds… complicated.” 

“It is…” Cosima nods. “Anyway. Let’s hop the metro home. I bet the Lalonde’s have dinner ready for me. I haven’t called them to say I wouldn’t be home.

“How old is Lori?” I cannot stop myself from wondering. Maybe I should just let it go.

“Uh.. like 25.” Cosima brushes it off. “I turned 20 in March. It’s not like a huge gap. She just… gets like this.” 

“Non. Not huge.” I agree. But it is significant, perhaps. “How long have you been together.”   
  


“Umm a year-ish.” Cosima wiggles her fingers as she gestures out to the side. “It’s kind of hard to draw the line to exactly when things changed. We met through the LGBTQ centre on campus, volunteer stuff.”

I nod pleasantly. And wonder just what Cosima sees in someone who can be that angry with her. But perhaps I have just seen a fight. A bad day.

“Anyway. Lori… Lori will get over it. She’ll apologize and cry on the phone and tell me she needs me.” Cosima smiles at me, seeming very calm. “This.. this is just another fight.”   
  


“D’accord.” I agree, switching back to my native tongue as we approach the metro. 

“Anyway. I was wondering, can I borrow some of your books?”

“Like… text books?” I ask curiously. “They are mostly in French, Cosima. You might find it very challenging.”

“Like… French children’s books. Start me off nice and easy. Maybe some newspaper articles.” Cosima laughs.

“Come home with me, I’ll find the old boxes.” I offer. That much I can do.

  
  


* * *

We laugh hard as we descent out of the attic. We’d thumped around going through boxes for the better part of an hour. It was impossible not to play along, to have fun.

“Passe-moi la boîte.” I urge Cosima in French, motioning for her to pass me the box. Cosima hands it down to me and then clambers down herself. She reaches for my hand to help her down the last few steep stairs, and I offer it gladly with a giggle.

We look a mess, slightly dusty from the attic. A box of childhood books, of contes and fairy tales in my hands.

“Delphine!” My maman looks me over in horror. 

“Quoi?” I ask innocently, when she shakes her head at me.

My maman looks at Cosima and then back at me, she sighs, and reminds me. “Your cousin’s wedding is next weekend, Delphine. What were you two doing in the attic?” My mother looks over Cosima, taking in the grunge look, the short hair, the thick glasses. Her expression shows that she finds Cosima far less impressive than I do.

“I should go. Merci pour les livres, Delphine.. I’ll umm… return them later.” Cosima excuses herself awkwardly and quickly heads downstairs to exit the building and return to the Lalonde’s apartment.

“Elle est un peu bizarre.” Maman makes her opinion of Cosima clear. “None of the other American girls looked like that.” 

“I think the last girl.. I think she was Canadian, maman.” I answer in English. “The one that Sebastien liked.” Liked, was an understatement. Though, Sebastien and Tina had spent most of their free time in his bed. Not exploring Paris.  


“I remember her.” Maman nods. “Belle fille. Un peu bruyante.” She wrinkles her nose for a moment and I laugh.

How maman could forget was the question. If I had to listen to my brother have that much loud sex ever again I was going to move out. 

“Do you have a date for the wedding yet?” Maman asks me instead. The English probably to keep Papa from catching on to whatever we were discussing. “What about Marc? He keeps asking you out. Il est beau, Delphine.” 

“Non. I don’t want to go out with Marc.” I grimace. Marc has been asking me out every few weeks for the last six months since he came to Paris from Geneva. If I asked him, I would never get rid of him now.

Maman looks at me and sighs. “I said you were bringing a date when I RSVP’d two months ago. I thought… I thought Marc would wear you down by now.”

An idea strikes me suddenly, and I look my mother straight in the eye. “I’ll have a date. I’ll bring Cosima.”

My mother looks at me in horror for a moment. “But that girl…. Delphine… I think she is…” And she trails off gesturing slightly, perhaps Cosima was far more obvious than she thinks.

“She’s what, maman? It will be good for Cosima’s French practice to come with us.” I add innocently, furrowing my eyebrows. The perfect picture of the obedient daughter.

My maman sighs, shaking her head. “C’est rien, ma grande. Don’t worry about it.”

And I know, like it or not, Cosima will be coming with us. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short update. I am cheating on my NaNoWriMO story with fanfic... the scandal!

I ready myself in my room, changing my earrings, dressing for the wedding. 

“Delphine!” My mother hollers from the hallway. “Es-tu prête? Cosima est ici!” 

  
“Oui!” I holler back, a soft knocking on my door confirming Cosima’s arrival. My room is luckily fairly presentable. And I am dressed enough.

“Hey Delphine.” Cosima enters the room, head tilted. Her more casual clothes have been exchanged for a dress that seems unfamiliar. It’s red, and it suits Cosima. Other than the cropped short hair, she looks entirely feminine. Very presentable for a formal wedding. 

“Where did you get the dress?” I grin widely at her. “C’est parfait. It’s… it’s perfect.” I nod at her, wondering how my mother is handling this situation.

“Oh. Marie-Claire took me shopping.” Cosima smirks. “I didn’t... I didn’t bring a dress, so…. I needed one.”

“It looks good!” I tell her, reaching for her shoulders excitedly when Cosima steps back, out of range. 

“Thanks, Delphine.” Cosima nods. “I still can’t believe you want to bring me to your cousin’s wedding.”

“Trust me, Cosima. Having you there will be my favourite part.” I whisper, even as I finish putting in my earrings. “On y va!”

We pile into my parent’s car. My father driving, Cosima between Sebastien and I in the back sat. Sebastian makes no effort to try to impress Cosima. I’m surprised, at first, but perhaps he knows too. 

My parents talk very little. My father attempts to make polite conversation with Cosima in French, giving her pleasantries a quick workout and Cosima manages fine. Her French is coming along, I decide happily. I’m not sabotaging her.

My maman needs to be encouraged by my papa to participate.

“Brigitte…” He urges her into the conversation, helping Cosima practice.

  
“D’accord.” Maman sighs. “Est-ce que tu aimes bien Paris, Cosima?”

  
We arrive and park the car, and pile out. We enter the cathedral, and I lead Cosima through the throngs of friends and relations, settling us both in a pew.

“Is your family… religious?” Cosima asks cautiously.

“Only at Christmas and Easter.” I respond with a laugh under my breath. “We… we do not usually go to church. My grandparents do. But… when we are here my mother acts like we are always here.”

“Maybe it’s an identity marker for her.” Cosima offers with a shrug. “She grew up going?”

I nod. “My papa as well. But… not often now.” My family eventually piles in and the wedding starts about ten minutes behind schedule. But it’s fine. 

The wedding begins and I can tell Cosima is trying to understand, trying to pick out the words that are familiar to her. I reach and give her hand a quick squeeze. Cosima turns to look at me, her eyes soft for a moment, before she quickly releases my hand, moving to increase the space between us. What little she can. It should make me uneasy, but I remain charmed.

“So that’s your cousin?” Cosima leans in. “The bride?”

“La mariée. Oui. En français, Cosima.” I remind her gently.

“C’est...ta cousine?” Cosima tries again.

“Oui.” I nod with a small laugh. 

  
  


* * *

We’re seated away from my parents at the reception, somehow seated with a bunch of other friends and cousins. Sebastien has set his sights on one of the groom’s young sisters and is flirting intently halfway across the room while Cosima and I sit. I cannot deny I am pleased to have Cosima’s attention mostly to myself. And to not have Sebastien making pointless small talk with her in a futile attempt at seduction.

“So… Cosima. You’re American? No family in Europe at all.” Another cousin makes pleasant if stilted conversation with my ‘date’.

“Well umm actually I have an aunt living in Munich. My German is pretty… iffy though.” Cosima admits. “Well, it’s like better than my French. But I am nowhere near fluent.” 

“You have an aunt in Munich?” I repeat, surprised, turning to Cosima. I am not sure how this did not come up in the last three weeks.

“Yeah… My dad was born in Germany. His older sister still lives there… but she’s well into her 60s and I haven’t seen Aunt Ursula since I was like 12.” Cosima explains quickly. “My dad is Eugen, but he’s just Gene back in the USA. He became a naturalized citizen when I was like three.” 

“And your mother?” I find myself asking.

“Oh, my mom is  _ Californienne _ , born and raised.” Cosima laughs emphasizing her pronunciation. “Love match. Not like a green card thing. I swear.”

I laugh. Cosima manages to charm most of the table. Whether they understand her well or not. Her energy and her mannerisms seem to win them over. She’s not as articulate in French, of course. But she’s brilliant. Somehow managing to be witty at times with what she does know.

I look around briefly, catching sight of plenty of my relatives, all involved in their own little dramas. My grandparents dancing slowly with many couples on the dance floor. My cousin and her new husband. Various other relations. I catch my mother’s eye briefly, but she makes a face at me and looks pointedly towards a table of what I presume are friends or cousins of the groom. A table at which there are plenty of young men. Maybe that is what is expected. 

Instead I turn back to Cosima. She’s long won me over. I smile to myself. I couldn’t imagine not wanting to be her friend.

* * *

I dance only fast songs, only with Cosima. During slow songs we sit at the table and try to talk. I lose track of everything else. My parents. My grandparents. 

“Do you like weddings?” Cosima asks me casually, drinking a glass of red wine. 

“I’ve only been to a few.” I tell her. “They’re alright. Romantic, in a sense.”

“But?” Cosima prompts me.

“They’re so showy. Which I get, they are a public display of commitment. Of love.” I explain quickly. “But this… this is so… opulent.” I decide on a word finally. “I am not sure anyone needs this much fuss to prove their commitment.” It certainly was a far cry from the romantic novels I occasionally liked to read.

“I’m not big into weddings.” Cosima tells me unashamedly. “I’ve only been to like two ever, not counting the commitment ceremony Lori took me to for a couple friends of hers a month ago… And the first wedding I was like eight years old.”

“Because you cannot get married?” I assume. That might be part of it. Cosima is a lesbian. Maybe it’s something just out of reach that turns one against it.

Cosima laughs, dropping her face. “Well, that’s part of it.” 

“I am not sure if any real person can promise undying passion for anyone.” I tell Cosima very quietly. “I think… I think all love shifts over time. It’s not like in…novels or movies where they burn with eternal passion. Where love lasts a lifetime, even split apart.”

“I don’t know about your novel or movie choices, or what fictional characters you’re referring to exactly, but I do know that your grandparents look pretty damn in love.” Cosima comments, pointing towards my grandparents who are currently leaning in to kiss each other.

“An exception to the rule.” I tell Cosima softly. “Grand-maman and Grand-papa are very in love. But… I do not usually see them like this.” I look closer at my grandparents, both looking absolutely delighted with the wedding, with each other. Who knows. Then I look over to my parents, my mother dancing with her cousin, laughing as my father sits at a table, quietly. Wishing he were elsewhere in all likelihood.

“It’s a shame. Something is clearly still there. Hopefully your cousin will be as lucky.” Cosima sighs before quickly adding. “And you too, someday.”

“Someday.” I agree, not quite believing it.

“No… you will.” Cosima tells me. “I think you’re determined enough to hold out for a man who will really do it for you. On multiple levels.”

I just laugh and lean over and squeeze her hand. “You are a romantic, Cosima Niehaus.”

“Nah. Just optimistic.” Cosima nods and smiles slowly at me, her canines showing. “Now come and dance with me. I want a beautiful woman on my arm as we scandalize her family.”

“A slow song?” I stop for a minute. “Really?”   
  


“Yeah. If you don’t mind. I mean I am your date for this event.” Cosima stands, offering me her hand.

“OK.” I agree and take her hand, letting my new friend guide me onto the dance floor. I move to lead initially, but Cosima surprises me, instantly falling into leading. And perhaps this isn’t strange to Cosima. Cosima is used to women, used to  _ having sex _ with women. Maybe dancing with them too. 

“Is this OK?” Cosima asks, we do not dance too closely, but we move steadily on the dance floor. My family, apart from my irritated mother, happy to ignore us. It is harmless after all

“Yes.” I look down at her, the cropped brown hair, the dark eyes, her lovely smile. Cosima is beautiful, I decide. Whatever myths I had heard about lesbians being ugly were clearly ridiculous. I cannot stop smiling at her. I feel a lightness around Cosima. In my chest. All over my body. I let myself sink into the feeling, enjoying it.

  
“What are you thinking about?” Cosima asks me with a smirk. 

“Nothing.” I excuse the thoughts quickly. I certainly don’t want to be inappropriate. Or offend Cosima. She has a girlfriend, she doesn’t need someone like me, someone who doesn’t even  _ like _ women telling her she’s beautiful.

“Tell me.” Cosima pushes me gently, eyes probing me curiously.   
  


“Are you in love with Lori?” I ask as we dance. “The kind of love that you’re talking about.”

“Of course I am!” Cosima shakes her head. “She’s… we’re together. You know?”

“I just… I wondered after hearing the two of you talk. There is… a lot of conflict.” I try to word it cautiously. Try to wrap my concern in curiosity. 

“Ugghhh you sound like my mom, Delphine.” Cosima groans, moving to release me and walk back to the table. “You don’t get us. You don’t know our history.”

“No… I don’t. But I want to know you. Everything about you.” I look at Cosima, trying to convey my sincerity, my concern.

“You wouldn't understand.” Cosima looks at me seriously. “You’re straight.”

“Try to help me understand then.” I ask, following an increasingly irritated Cosima to the table. “She… she said she slept with someone else when you were on the phone with her. She  _ yelled _ at you.”

“Lori… does that. Sometimes.” Cosima brushes it off. “It is fine.”

“But… she won’t let you do the same?” I ask softly, leaning closer again. One of my cousins is a translator like my mother and we do not need her regaling the entire family with the contents of our conversation.   
  


“No… she gets too jealous.” Cosima sighs. “Even if I promise her it’d just be sex, she wouldn’t handle it well.”

“But if she cheats on you, if she takes another lover - that doesn’t bother you?” I look at Cosima curiously, wondering what would make her accept such an arrangement. Perhaps she doesn’t care. Perhaps like my own mother had once done, she chose to look the other way until the brief passion abated on its own.

“What are you two doing? There are plenty of young men here.” My mother interrupts us, glaring at Cosima. “There is no reason to dance with each other like  _ that _ .”

“Oh hey, Brigitte, yeah. I just… I prefer to dance with Delphine.” Cosima responds honestly. “She is my date for the evening after all.” Cosima shrugs at my mother, giving her what I find to be a winning smile. My mother is clearly less impressed, crossing her arms across the front of her navy dress.

“Maman…” I place myself between the two of them. “Cosima is my guest. We were just dancing. It is fine.”

My mother leans in to whisper to me. “Delphine, be careful around Cosima.”

“Why?” I cross my own arms, and stand, drawing myself to my full height. “Cosima is my friend. Elle est très sympathique. Très gentille.”

“Marc isn’t going to wait for you forever, Delphine. If you don’t give a little he will lose interest and find someone else. You  _ are _ missing out.” My mother sighs, keeping her voice very low. 


	4. Chapter 4

Cosima avoids me for a week after the wedding. I had pushed too far. I should not comment on Cosima’s girlfriend. It isn’t my place. And it isn’t fair of me. I certainly regret it in the days that follow. My mother seems pleased enough at Cosima’s absence and I do get more work done. But that’s never been a struggle for me.

I find I miss seeing her on campus, lurking out the science buildings where I have my labs. I keep looking around as if I expect to run into Cosima at random. But even at home, I see very little of her. Always leaving or coming home and going into the Lalonde’s apartment. I take to doing some of my readings in the courtyard, hoping to catch Cosima’s attention but she is rarely home.

Finally, I catch sight of her one day on my way home for lunch. Drinking on the terrace at a café not far from campus with other students.

“Cosima!” I call, quickly walking over to the group. I wave, too enthusiastically and I wince when Cosima finally looks over.

“Oh hey Delphine.” Cosima acknowledges me only casually. A flippant wave, before she returns herself to her friends. She seems to have made plenty. 

“I haven’t heard from you.” I approach the table.

“Who’s she?” A lanky young man with an English accent asks before drinking liberally from his glass of wine.

  
“That’s just Delphine. Her family lives above my host parents.” Cosima brushes it off, sipping her own red wine. A few other students surround them. Some American. Some English. It seems to be a sneaky gathering to escape their immersion.

I decide to leave, clearly Cosima isn’t interested in spending time with me anymore. I shouldn’t be so disappointed. I should be glad she can manage getting around, that she’s found friends. It will make for a better term here. Absently I wonder if she’s managed to find herself a lover. If that’s why I no longer hold her interest. Or if she’d been finding more pay phones and calling Lori.

“Bye Cosima.” I wave, faking a quick smile before walking away. 

I return home, opting to snack and read. I grow bored of my readings. The newspapers are entirely consumed with the upcoming election, I reach for something more fun. I read the novel, stretched out on my belly on my bed. Letting myself be consumed by it. Other people. Other places. Other times. Being nothing. I drift away, but my mind remands engaged. 

Partway through the novel I find myself responding to it, I am reaching down a hand to stimulate myself when I am interrupted. A soft knocking on my door disturbs my reading. 

  
“Oui?” I respond loudly, mostly so I won’t be interrupted. Maybe it’ll be Sebastien or Maman. Maybe they will just go away and leave me in peace to continue.

“Delphine?” Cosima’s voice calls from the other side of the door. “Sebastien let me in.”

“He did?” I jump up, the narrative forgotten and my sympathetic arousal tempered instantly. At least Cosima had interrupted me now instead of a little later. I can let her in. “Come in.”

  
Cosima smiles widely as she opens the door. “Oooh you’re reading.”

  
“Yes. I was.” I brush it off, and begin to shove the book under my pillow when Cosima stops me.

“What are you reading?” Cosima grabs the book from my hands, laughing jovially. Cosima understands enough French that her eyebrows quickly raise from skimming my reading material. “Finally! It’s not genetics!” 

“It’s romantic.” I tell her, trying desperately not to blush. I know Cosima is teasing me, but perhaps it is well deserved. If I had been reading science or philosophy that would have impressed her more I am sure. Instead she has to catch me reading this. It’s humiliating.

“Looks like doomed romance. But like, it’s sexy.” Cosima laughs. “Ooh. One of them is married to someone else. Yikes.” 

“It is…” I nod in agreement. “The longing. The desire… they… the characters they find something in each other very compelling. And they cannot quite keep away. It’s sent in the 20s, here in Paris.”

“Sexy.” Cosima nods with a smirk.

“Very.” I agree. Not wanting to give too much away about the nature of my fantasies. Perhaps it was odd fiction was my preference for my fantasies. But hopefully Cosima wouldn’t judge it. Maybe she wouldn’t make assumptions at all. She wouldn’t know. Not just from seeing the book.

“And then they make love endlessly?” Cosima teases me, somehow figuring it out. “This  _ Eloïse _ and  _ François _ ?” Cosima plays up a fake accent and it’s irresistible. 

I laugh freely in response. “More or less.” It’s a simplification of the themes of agency, love and art. But it’s not wrong either.

“You need to get out more, Delphine.” Cosima smirks, tilting her head at me. “I think we can do better for entertainment than a one-hand read.”

I laugh, quickly figuring out the euphemism. “Then let’s go.” I turn to her with a smile, placing my reading material back by my bed.

We stroll out into the gardens and hesitate. Where should I take Cosima?

“Where to next?” Cosima asks me. 

“I don’t know. What do you want to see?” I ask her. “Are you hungry? We could get supper, eat. And stroll. The Eiffel tower is lovely at night, we can go now? Go up and watch the sunset. And eat after? »

“You. I missed you. I’m sorry… I was avoiding you.” Cosima apologizes. “And that sounds great.”

“You don’t need to apologize. My mother was rude.” I tell Cosima. “She… she guessed you were a lesbian. I am not sure why.” That’s the truth, why my mother who was so intent to ignore so much picked up on that I will never know. 

“She was.” Cosima nods. “I’m kind of surprised. She… she read me right away.”

  
“That you’re a lesbian?” I respond. “I guess so. I didn’t think much about it.” And it’s true, I hadn’t much. It didn’t seem important.

  
As if on cue, my mother opens the gate to the courtyard, she is smiling, seemingly very satisfied with something until she sets eyes on Cosima and I, dressed casually and standing closely.

“Allo Delphine...Cosima.” My mother tries to be polite. “Where are you two going?” She spits out simply in English. Intent on getting the answer as quickly as possible.

“I won’t be home for dinner. I am going out with Cosima.” I tell my mother simply in English when we pass her in the courtyard.

“Bye Brigitte.” Cosima gives her a half wave, and moves to go passed her out to the street.

“Delphine!” My mother looks at me completely exasperated. “C’est pas une bonne idée ma grande.”

“Pourquoi? C’est juste souper.” I throw up my arms. “J’ai toujours les bonnes notes.” Really my mother shouldn’t be complaining. This is ridiculous. So what if I want to be friends with Cosima? Why hadn’t she tried to stop me when I was showing the boys or Tina around? The only difference is I enjoy spending time with Cosima more. It’s ludicrous to try to stop me.   
  


My mother looks at me exasperated, pointing at Cosima. “Elle a envie de voir ta foufoune! Tu peux pas le laisser."

I laugh at first, unsure of what I could possibly say to that. “Maman!” I chide my mother, who shrugs at me as if to say, why does it matter? Cosima cannot understand. 

Cosima looks between the two of us eyes wide as she tries to figure out what she heard.

  
“Viens.” I motion to Cosima, moving out to walk with her. Surely we can find something to keep us entertained. “How much of that did you understand? »

“Not much. But probably enough.” Cosima admits quietly. “But I can put together enough from her tone. I don’t know why your mom is so nervous to have you around me.”

“Me neither.” I admit. “She wants me to date Marc, this boy I know. She probably just thinks you’re getting in the way.” It doesn’t have to be anything more than that, I tell myself. My mother’s ridiculous concerns. 

“That’s stupid. You clearly don’t like him or you’d be fucking his brains out and not like,  _ reading _ .” Cosima giggles as she teases me. “I just have one question.”

  
“What is it?” I look at Cosima and lower my eyes slightly. “You want to know what a ‘foufoune’ is?” I guess quickly.

“Yeah… I mean foufoune?” Cosima repeats cluelessly. “That is definitely not in my dictionary so either it’s vulgar or it is some weird slang.” 

I cannot help from laughing again. “It is a….childish euphemism. Like something you’d tell a little girl in the bath, lave ta foufoune!” I tell Cosima quickly. “I mean, obviously, adults can use the word as well but…”

“So … it’s like… a vagina?” Cosima surmises, walking with me to the metro stop.

“A vulva. The whole… genital region.” I correct carefully.

  
“Right. Yeah.” Cosima nods and begins to giggle madly. “So even your mom thinks I am obsessed with pussy. Wow… I guess I am just that obvious.”

I am not sure what to say to that so I simply laugh. “Come on, Cosima. Don’t… don’t worry about my mother. She is being ridiculous. We can just forget it.” I certainly don’t want to start talking about what my mother said. We can forget about it and move on with having fun. With enjoying each other’s company.

“Like, she’s wrong. I… I don’t. You know?” Cosima looks at me pleadingly. 

“Alright.” I nod. “Let’s go. It’s better if we get up the tower before the sun sets.”

“Right. To the metro!” Cosima announces, pulling me by the hand as we rush down the stone steps down to the subway. 

The conversation and euphemism, seemingly forgotten, I decide to simply enjoy Cosima’s company. 

“Stairs or elevator?” I ask Cosima when we’ve arrived at the Eiffel tower. “And translate?”

“Escaliers ou… l'ascenseur?" Cosima prompts hopefully to an approving smile.

  
“Oui.” I nod. “So?” 

“Let’s climb up. We’re young and healthy.” Cosima urges me. “The full exhausting experience.”

“Alright. Let’s go.” I agree. “On y va!” And we ascend together, taking the steps quickly at first and then more slowly. 

  
“OK. This is harder than I thought.” Cosima laughs, mildly out of breath but we continue. After all, we can manage the stairs. Privately, I decide that we will be taking the elevator down when we are done. 

“It is a lot of stairs.” I admit, reaching for Cosima’s hand, we ascend among the few tourists who bother to come at this time of day. Most prefer broad daylight for a better view. But I want something more special for Cosima. A memory that will stay with her long after she leaves. And this fits right.

“And done.” Cosima takes several deep breaths and we move out of the way of the stairs, to take in Paris. Les Champs des Mars stretch out beneath us and we can see much of the city below. This city I love so much. 

“And, this is Paris.” I smile at Cosima. Happy that we waited to do the tower until today. It feels suddenly perfect, the mild night, Cosima’s awed face as she takes it in.

“Wow…” Cosima looks out over the observation area, the sun just starting to set and the city practically cast aglow.

“324 metres high. Not high by today’s standards… but enough for a fabulous view.” I smile at Cosima.

“This is… incredible. I guess for you it’s just a dumb tourist thing.” Cosima winces sympathetically at me. As if I have done this all for her, and I have, but I wanted to. And I need t make that clear.

“Not dumb.” I correct Cosima. “It’s beautiful.” And it is, and Cosima’s joy at it makes it even better.

Cosima leans close to me, affectionately brushing a curl out of my eyes. “Company is pretty great too.”

“It is…” I take a deep breath. “What do you want for dinner?”

“I don’t know… should we like have very French food now?” Cosima tilts her head grinning at me. “Should we smoke cigarettes and stroll along the Seine?”

“This is Paris, we can have whatever you want.” I smile back. “Anything.” I wonder what kind of food Cosima would want. I know of a great Italian place not far from here. And if Cosima isn’t certain I will push for it. The food would be the perfect follow up to this evening. I hadn’t seen Cosima smoke, but maybe she just hadn’t in front of me. 

  
“Anything I want?” Cosima grins madly at me.

“Yes.” I nod happily. “I know of a great Italian place not far from here. If you’re not sure what you want for supper. If you know, then we can go wherever.” 

“Do you like me?” Cosima asks softly.

“Of course I like you. You’re… my buddy.” I smile encouragingly at Cosima.

“That’s… nevermind.” Cosima shakes her head. “Italian sounds great. Let’s go.”   
  


We climb into the elevator, Cosima chatting animatedly all the while, hands moving wildly and I find her just so captivating all I can do is watch smiling like an idiot.

  
“You know what would be really fun? We should go dancing. Like to a club!” Cosima suggests.

“Tonight?” 

“Why not… it’s like Friday. Do you have somewhere to be?”

“I’m not dressed for it.”

“You look great.” Cosima assures me. “But we can eat, go home and change and then go out if you want?”

“OK. We’ll go out. I hope you know where you want to go because… my knowledge of clubs in Paris is a little lacking.”   
  
“Yeah. I heard about this place on campus.”

“It’s not… It’s not a gay club is it?” I worry, my brow furrowing as I look down nervously at Cosima. I certainly wouldn’t belong there. But maybe I should try if that is where Cosima would be most comfortable.

“No… No… I wouldn’t do that to you.” Cosima assures me. “I will definitely go to one of those clubs, but on my own time.”

“What about Lori?” The girlfriend, as if I could forget that. 

“Lori can go screw herself.” Cosima rolls her eyes. “She is ridiculous, and needs to chill the fuck out. Smoke some weed or something because she is way too uptight about what I am doing while I am here. And I have avoided temptation. She needs to trust me.” 

“Weed?”

“Marijuana. Something else I am not doing while I am here… I found it. Not sure if I trust the supplier.” Cosima winces at me. “OK. Let’s eat. We’ll need the energy.”

“OK.” I agree, leading Cosima back down the streets, pulling her through the spring crowds by the hand. I can definitely ensure Cosima’s experience here is as memorable as possible, try to compensate for what it may lack. 

* * *

  
The club is loud, many young bodies leaping and jumping on the dancefloor. Blaring music. Cosima had worn me out, she’d preferred me as her dance partner but had switched to dancing with a young man, seemingly unbothered by the sexual signals he was sending out. I can see the dancefloor well enough. Cosima isn’t too far away yet. I decide to finish my wine and rejoin Cosima, to dance until my feet are sore again and then maybe stumble home with Cosima to sleep it off. 

It’s then I see him. Marc. He starts to come towards me, I busy myself sipping my second glass wine. At least dinner provided a much needed barrier to intoxication. Italian food had been the right choice. 

“Delphine!” He greets me loudly trying to be heard. “I … I have never seen you here before. You… you’re out!” He is happy to see me, I note, and that might be more annoying now than ever. 

“Oui.” I answer patiently. “I am out with Cosima.” I point to Cosima on the dance floor who immediately stops her grinding and dancing and makes her way over to me. 

Marc continues talking. “I… I really am happy to see you here. Do you want to dance… or come with me? A drink? Get some air or a cigarette?”

“Everything OK?” Cosima pushes herself between the two of us.

“Non. Marc.” I shake my head, sighing. I know what he wants. And I do not share his desire. I don’t understand his fixation, if it were just physical why did he keep asking? I suppose I could get it over with. But then I would be stuck with Marc who most definitely wants to date me. And will not stop asking.

“Hey, buddy. I don’t think Delphine here is interested.” Cosima speaks clearly, and shakes her head but who knows how much can be overheard. She points at the two of us and at the dancefloor. 

“Well.. if you don’t want to dance, Delphine - Viens, fait l’amour avec moi.” Marc demands, grabbing my arm. And while I know he’s half-joking I tense instantly. He doesn’t know either, he likely believes the lies I’ve told about the other students. That one or two of them were my lovers and I’d coldly waved them off after. Unphased by their departure from the country or my bed. Lying was easier.

“Non.” I respond curtly, pulling myself closer to Cosima. Can’t he see we’re in the middle of a rather fun evening? Why won’t these stupid boys stop bothering us?

“Who is he?” Cosima asks me under her breath, she leans in close to my ear, trying to make sure I can hear her.

“It’s Marc. Another boy I don’t want to make love to.” I answer honestly. “He keeps asking me every so often. I just want them all to stop bothering me.”

“Do you want me to make them stop?” Cosima asks softly. “I have an idea. But you  _ might _ not like it. But it will probably get him to leave us alone, for now.”

“Please.” I respond, trying to keep exasperation at Marc from my voice. I don’t know how Cosima plans to do that, but right now I do not care.

“Here...” Cosima offers quietly, leaning forward to claim my lips. She’s kissing me and the world stops. It takes a moment for my brain to catch up with my body, and then I respond.

My own reaction to the kiss surprises me, she kisses back, turning what is supposed to be a show into a real moment of passion. It’s too much. It’s not enough. I forget that we’re in a club, that no doubt people are watching us, I continue kissing.

“Holy shit.” Cosima breathes when I reluctantly break the kiss.

I know instantly, I don't want to stop... it’s not about Marc anymore. It’s about Cosima and me. 

“More.” I beg softly against her lips, leaning down to kiss her again.

Cosima obliges me with a deeper kiss, I push further, sliding my tongue into her sweet mouth. I moan, and push Cosima against the wall. I run my hands down her body and I moan openly. I’m not sure what to do with my hands, I settle them on soft rounded hips. I kiss her again, deeper and she whimpers into my mouth. 

But we’ve attracted more of an audience and when Cosima notices she becomes uncomfortable and tense. Suddenly unyielding under my mouth. Marc too is watching us, with an aroused look on his face and he shifts uncomfortably. But my desire remains. I want to take this somewhere private. Out of this club. Somewhere Cosima and I can be alone. Where I don’t have to worry about someone like Marc getting too close to us. Or trying to join in. 

The image of my new desire is burned deep into my mind, Cosima and I touching each other and kissing. Her hands on me as I love her enthusiastically. As I bring  _ her _ pleasure. Tangling my body with Cosima’s in my bed. Surely, surely, that must be what we both want? That Cosima meant the kiss as much as I did? 

There’s just one problem, I realize as I pull Cosima by the hand to leave. Cosima thinks I’m experienced. Even if only with men. Would she be able to guess? Would I get caught in my lie? Or would she expect me to be nervous and clueless anyway?

“God that was an amazing kiss.” Cosima murmurs into my ear once we’re safely on the metro.

“I’ve never kissed a woman before.” I tell her honestly looking down into soft brown eyes. “I didn’t realize it could be like that.”

Cosima moans and squeezes my hand. “It isn’t always. It was with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Foufoune" is only slang for vulva in France. In Quebec "Les foufounes" are buttocks and it is seriously only used with tiny kids.


	5. Chapter 5

“This has been the most romantic night of my life.” Cosima looks at me stunned on the metro, shaking her head. Her cheeks are flushed, whether from dancing, kissing or wine I cannot be sure.

“Non.” I tease her, but I am blushing. Reality slowly sinking in. I had been kissing Cosima. Cosima who was definitely a woman. Whatever the content of my romantic fiction, it was nothing like what Cosima could offer me. Cosima’s body… is a _woman’s_ body. While I’m trying to decide if that really matters, Cosima’s expression morphs before my eyes. The mirth I see in Cosima’s face fading away as she observes me intently looking her over. I wonder briefly if she can tell what I am thinking. 

“Uh… yeah. Eiffel tower at sunset. Italian food that was better than any Italian food I have _ever_ had in my life. Dancing… and kissing you. Holy shit.” Cosima begins to laugh, a wide grin gracing her face. My heart swells at the sight, Cosima happy, Cosima delighted with me. Maybe it doesn’t matter. None of the physical side. The emotional side is clear enough. 

“I guess it was.” I answer, looking away. It is too much. Far too much. I seem to be sobering up, I realize and it’s far too fast. Logically, I think to myself. I knew this the whole time. Most certainly knew it when I kissed Cosima at the club. Knew Cosima was a woman. Knew sleeping with her is probably bound for disaster. Between Cosima’s girlfriend and my inexperience, I couldn’t see it going well. 

“Hey…” Cosima calls out softly. Her hand grips mine, and draws my eyes back to her own. 

“Like… part of me really just wants to take you home. And just…” Cosima grins at me, cutting off her sentence knowingly. “But you know we… we _can’t_. Lori.” Cosima tells me, looking out the window of our train as it hurtles along underground.

“We can’t. This is our stop.” I agree. And I am not even sure if I want to. I bite my lip considering. I definitely feel something for Cosima. Felt something while I kissed her. Something real, something passionate. The idea of curling up with Cosima in my bed, of kissing her senseless is still extremely appealing. Taking my feelings to their supposedly natural conclusion is what I should want to be doing. Why does the rest of it have to matter?.

“So it was a mistake.” Cosima nods at me apologetically as we clamber off the train and begin the climb back to street level. “It won’t happen again. I promise. I… I had three glasses of wine… I get kind of … too much after three glasses of wine. So sorry.” 

“Yes. It was a mistake.” I agree, my heart sinking rapidly as we approach our building. Almost home and so far away from how I’d felt a mere thirty minutes ago. I find myself remembering my mother’s ridiculous warning, and have to stifle a laugh. Who’d thought I’d be considering that?

“I’ll… see you tomorrow?” Cosima says hopefully, before digging out her keys and silently slipping in through the gate. I follow her and watch her move quietly into the Lalonde’s apartment. No doubt intent on going to bed without waking them.

I sigh again, staring after Cosima. Remembering. I go home alone, slide off my shoes near the door and traipse into my bedroom. I strip naked and crawl into my bed alone. My mind is spinning. My parents are asleep. I can hear my papa snoring softly. Only Sebastien’s door is ajar, he isn’t home. Of course.

I lay awake a long time, running through my evening. Through everything that had transpired. How perfect it had all been. How much I’d enjoyed being with Cosima. And I realize then, I don’t have to make love to Cosima to love Cosima. I pull my romance novel from under my pillow, I open the book, and briefly consider the passion of François and Eloïse, but I toss the novel onto the floor. It still reaches me, but I cannot stop thinking about Cosima.

Cosima smiling at me. Cosima kissing me. Cosima laughing. Watching Cosima dance, feeling her heart speed up as we pressed close.

* * *

I wake late into the morning, the sun long since up. I groan, my head pounding and my legs and feet sore from dancing. Cosima… I find myself thinking with a smile. Today is another day, I decide. And I intend to spend as much of it as possible with Cosima.

I get up and dress, trying to make myself mostly presentable before wandering out of my room.

“Delphine…” My mother warns me when I stumble into the kitchen. My head aches with a slight hangover, I don’t answer and move to make myself some tea.

“Where were you last night?” My mother tries to hide her line of questioning from my oblivious father the usual way - one of the languages he is not proficient in speaking.

“I was at a…. discothèque.” I mutter out, trying to remember the English word Cosima had used. What was it again? I know this. I know I know it...

  
“You went to a gay club?!” My mother hisses at me. My father is sitting at the table, calming sipping what is certainly his third cup of coffee reading the newspaper.

“Non. Juste une discothèque, pleine de jeunes.” I sigh at her. “Marc was there. Plenty of men, and women. Cosima and I went dancing. That is all.” Maman could not have been that worried, I decide. She and Papa had both been asleep when I returned.

“Mais… she is….” My mother looks at me trying to make herself clear without spitting it out. I become irritated. What point is there to dancing around the subject? I know it. My mother knows it. Cosima knows it. There’s no point in subterfuge. Especially if I am not going to be trying to sneak Cosima in or out of my bedroom.

I sigh and nod. “Oui, Cosima est lesbienne. C’est vrai.” I look at my mother unable to contain my exasperation. Why does this matter? Surely my mother cannot guess what transpired last night, it is not as if she found Cosima in my bed. A few passionate kisses in a discotheque aren’t going to be anything worth gossiping over. At least I think not.

“Rien.” My mother brushes it off, drinking her coffee.

  
My papa looks over at us. “Cosima est lesbienne… Euh.” He nods calmly and keeps drinking his coffee unconcerned. I envy his calm, I realize. To be that nonchalant about everything. I wonder how he does it. 

The door loudly swings open and Sebastien waltzes in, waves to both my parents, puts down his guitar in the living room and crashes into his bed.

My mom laughs at him, and I do too. And for a few minutes things are normal. Laughing at the antics of my musician brother.

“He had a gig?” I look to my mother who nods. No doubt, Sébastien had spent last night in the company of some random girl. And that was just fine. Tolerated. So why couldn’t I have Cosima?

I don’t have much work to do at home. I ready myself, and quickly head out. Ignoring whatever my mother is saying to me. It’s easier if I don’t pay attention, if I don’t know.

I head down to the courtyard, without my usual book accompaniment. I knock quickly on the Lalonde’s door. It is Saturday morning, they are generally out. But maybe Cosima stayed behind. Maybe she too was still sleeping off our eventful night.

It is Cosima who answers, still clad in what looks to be pyjama pants and a loose t-shirt. And I breathe a sigh of relief. I wasn’t sure what I would have told Marie-Claire, if she had answered. Cosima looks me over wearily and I wonder if she too is feeling hungover. We hadn’t drank _that_ much. But my headache was difficult to ignore.

“Hey Delphine.” Cosima sighs. “Do you want to come in? The Lalonde’s are out.”

“Alright.” I nod stepping into the apartment. I look around, I am familiar enough with this apartment. Three generous bedrooms, a beautiful kitchen, the floral furniture Marie-Claire seemed to still favour even if it was decades out of date.

“How are you?” Cosima regards me cautiously. I notice a cup of tea on the table, and half-eaten porridge. 

“I’m alright. I have… a slight headache.” I admit with a small laugh. “Three glasses of wine will do that to me.”

“I’m not hungover. Just...tired. I didn’t drink enough to be hungover.” Cosima tells me nodding. 

I look at her, taking her in, her dark brown eyes looking me over. Her beautiful face. The feeling returns, I want to recapture it. I want Cosima to look at me the way she did last night.

“Cosima…” I look down at her, raising one hand to cup her cheek. She looks nervous and I cannot stand it, I lean in, trying to kiss her. I need to get us back to where we were. When I felt certain. 

Cosima’s arms stop me, pushing me back at my biceps. “Woah. I’m not some experiment.” Cosima tells me harshly.

“But I mean it. You’ve kissed me. Don’t you feel it?” I ask, wondering if I am wrong. If this is just one-sided. I settle myself down on one of the wooden chairs. I watch Cosima resume eating her breakfast. 

“I still… I don’t know.” Cosima finally says meekly. “Do you think you’re bisexual?” 

“Maybe? Would that… would that be enough?” I hadn’t thought much about that. Labels. I sigh to myself. I must be… something. Or I wouldn’t feel like this for Cosima. At least, I assume I wouldn’t. But love… love is unpredictable. At least in fiction. Desire… desire should be somewhat predictable.

“Delphine… there’s… Lori. I can’t.” Cosima tells me, pulling her knees to her chest. She perches on the chair and she is suddenly irresistible. I want to kiss the worry from her face. I want to wrap her up in my arms and hold her until she forgets Lori altogether.

  
“Then why did you kiss me?” I counter. Surely, surely Cosima hasn’t forgotten. That moment… that was everything. 

“Well… you were supposed to be straight for one thing.” Cosima laughs. “And… you’re… beautiful. I enjoy your company. I _like_ you… I just can’t go there. Not while I’m with Lori.”

“Are you with Lori?” I shouldn’t be so pushy. But Lori doesn’t seem to be a good enough excuse to stand between me and Cosima. She isn’t kind to Cosima. And beyond that, she isn’t here. They are an ocean apart. 

“I need to tell her.” Cosima grimaces, one hand gripping her knee as the other gestures in front of her. “I need to do it soon before I lose my nerve.”

  
“And what do you think will happen?” I ask. Lori was jealous enough when there was nothing to be jealous of. 

“I’ll tell her I was drinking. That it was a mistake. Because it was.” Cosima tells me plainly. “And… hopefully… after she finishes yelling and takes a break… we’ll work it out in September.”

“Why are you so focused on working it out with Lori?”

“Because I live with her!” Cosima tells me, drawing her hands up to her face. “I don’t really want to move back in with my parents and get their ‘I told you so’s’ right now. I don’t want half my shit out on the curb somewhere in Berkeley.” 

I swallow, softening towards Cosima. “You didn’t tell me that.”

“You didn’t ask!” Cosima counters. “Besides we were… we were just supposed to be having fun.”

“How are you going to call? Payphone?”

“No. I’m going to call collect from the Lalonde’s.” Cosima frowns. “I don’t want to be dumped in public.”

“Do you want me to stay or go?” I offer. I can at least give Cosima that much. Some semblance of privacy for this. 

“I mean… you can stay. But it’s not going to be pretty. And if you do stay, I need you to be really fucking quiet. Like, not a word, Delphine.”

“I’ll stay.” I offer.

Cosima picks up the phone, and begins to dial. I wonder if Lori will refuse the call. But Cosima is connected within a few minutes. I don’t tell Cosima, that it is too early in California to really be considered morning. And it is about as awful as I anticipate. 

  
  
“No… I don’t realize what time it is in California.” Cosima begins. “Lori… I have to tell you something and you aren’t going to like it. I kissed someone. I’d been drinking and ….”

I can’t make out Lori’s words, but I can tell that she is yelling, berating Cosima for our kiss. 

“Who was it….?” Cosima winces looking at me, seeming pained at having to give Lori a name. “It was… Delphine. But… she’s straight. It was just a kiss, Lori.. You had sex with Vicki! No… seriously.”

I try to tune out the rest of it. Cosima is intent on brushing off what happened between us as just a kiss, and it stings more than I thought it would. 

Cosima hangs up the phone. “She dumped me.”

“I know.” I offer quietly. “Do you want to go out? Just take a walk somewhere?”

“No… I want to be alone. And tonight… I’m going out.” Cosima says decisively. “Without Lori… there’s no reason I shouldn’t.”

“Can I come with you?” I ask softly. Hoping that this means I have a chance. We could try to recapture whatever magic seemed lost this morning. 

“No… Delphine. I’m… I’m going to a gay club. And you’d… you’d be so out of place there.” Cosima shakes her head. “I need to go alone.”

“Alright.” I nod. “Should I go?”

“I think so. I’ll see you Monday?” Cosima suggests. “We could get coffee and croissants near campus?”

“Monday.” I repeat, and I stand up to leave on autopilot. Unsure of what to do, I return to my room. I try to study. But I cannot concentrate. Cannot calm myself. I begin to wonder if there is a way to follow Cosima tonight. To ensure Cosima is not alone. To offer my own company. 

* * *

Somehow I miss Cosima slipping out in the evening. And I opt to wait up. I lean against the windowsill in my room, looking down into the dark courtyard worrying. I don’t even know where Cosima has gone. I know that there are gay clubs, in abstract. I have no idea what they are called or where they are. 

I would follow Cosima, if I knew where she’d gone. Instead I resolve to wait. Eventually, I fall asleep. I wake, only to glance outside again, and wonder if Cosima has returned. But it is late, and my fatigue gets the better of me.

I wake on time, manage to get through a few of my readings for class. I eat, and contemplate going outside to continue waiting for Cosima.

Finally I catch sight of Cosima partway through breakfast. I abandon my toast on my plate and quickly rush out. I spring down the stairs, and out to the courtyard. Cosima finally returning, somewhat disheveled in her clothes from yesterday.

  
“Delphine…” My mother calls after me, just having woken for the day herself. But I pay her no mind. This is more important.

“Delphine!” Cosima jumps in surprise when I open the door, practically leaping out in front of her.

“Where were you? You were gone all night!” I am unable to keep concern from my voice. Cosima seems at first surprised and then amused by my presence. 

“A gay bar.” Cosima laughs. “And then an apartment… near La Marseille.” Cosima giggles the last words. “I was having fun. I’m totally fine. I promise.”

I look Cosima over, she seems fine if a little off somehow. “Are you still drunk?”  
  


“Maybe a little.” Cosima grins again, and she’s close enough I can smell sweat and alcohol. 

“What were you doing?” I ask, my heart sinking rapidly. I try to fake calm, to not react. Perhaps Cosima had just crashed with another student. Perhaps she just slept it off until she could go home.

“Umm I was having sex?” Cosima shrugs at me. “If you’d even call it that.”

“What else would I call it?” I shake my head, my nose wrinkling as I consider this. What was Cosima on about?

“I don’t know, dude, straight people are weird.” Cosima shrugs at me. “Anyway. I need to shower… and you’re kind of in my way right now.”

“But… you just kissed _me_!” I hiss, trying to keep my voice down. I look at Cosima. I try not to raise my voice, try to be nonchalant and dismiss the stirrings of jealousy. What… what was this nonsense? 

“I just… I mean you just needed to scare off Marc. And I _really_ wanted to. Just once to know what it’s like. Like, we have a real connection… the first time I saw you I _felt_ something and the more time I’m with you…. never mind.” Cosima shakes her head. “Not important. We need to move on from that… and just let it go.”

“But I feel it too. You get me. And there’s… there’s something between us. You felt it when you kissed me.” I beg quietly, wondering if my mother is spying on us even now. Maybe we should have this conversation elsewhere. Somewhere more private. 

“Yeah but then… I mean, you’re straight so actually having sex with you would be super awkward. Almost as bad as deflowering someone.” Cosima winces at me. “Plus you like live above my host parents. Like if things go badly… it’ll be really bad.”

I nod tensely, trying to express agreement. “So you don’t want me.” I try to contain my disappointment. But I know it’s all over my face, even as I am nodding. 

“I want something less complicated.”

“What’s complicated?” I look at Cosima, wondering if there was anything I could do to convince her. “I want to _make love_.” I tell Cosima, gripping her hands making a last ditch effort to win her over. I am no romantic hero, but I figure it’s worth a try. I can fake confidence, try to convince Cosima that I am a better option than whatever woman she had last night. Maybe she’ll want me back enough none of that will matter anymore. Love does such things to people. At least, I think it does.

“Now?” Cosima scoffs at me. “You’re ridiculous… Delphine. Let me shower and we’ll take that walk you want.” 

I watch her go, and I settle myself on the covered swing. I rock slightly. I don’t know what to do. Where to go from here. What can I even be? If I try to make love to Cosima, she’ll likely discover I lied to her. If I tell her the truth, she’ll refuse me.

Maybe, I think leaning back as I wait. There is another solution I haven’t thought of. Maybe I could convince Cosima some other way. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go again... once again this is not betaed. For some reason I struggle to stick to a posting schedule.

We do not make love. It is, initially, a disappointment. Instead I give myself to her in a hundred little ways. My hand clasped in her own as we explore the city together. Her in awe. Me rediscovering its beauty through her eyes. At least, that had been the plan for the week. We’d explored different arrondissements between our classes and my labs. I’d suggested taking her to Versaille on the weekend, noting that we’d need to take the train. That I would get Cosima away from Paris that way. Away from the gay clubs and the woman I hoped Cosima wasn’t still seeing but I didn’t have the nerve to ask.

Her arms tighten around my waist as I took her on a scooter ride. I had borrowed the scooter from my brother. And I wasn’t the best driver with it, but hearing Cosima’s squeals as she finally clutched around my waist made it worthwhile. Sébastien is asleep, and he won’t even know I borrowed the vespa. He probably won’t get up until near noon. 

“Delphine! Where are you taking me?” Cosima screeches slightly as I take a turn, here the road is bordered by a park. By beautiful green space and no doubt, Cosima has no idea where we are going. But it is the best idea I've had all week. At least I hope it is.  


And I laugh, knowing that we are safe enough. There are things in Paris Cosima has yet to see in her first month here. And this is worth it.

“This is the Parc de Buttes Chaumont.” I announce, parking the scooter as close to the lake as I can. We gaze across the fields. And I watch Cosima take it in. The bridge across the water of the small lake. The miniature temple on the outcropping of rocks. The park is large, and already filling up with people. Some tourists, some locals. Some people lounge on blankets while others walk or play with their dogs. A few kids kick a ball around not far from us. It's... peaceful.  


“Oh… this is different.” Cosima glances at me. “I mean, I’ve seen it on a map. Never bothered to come here though.”

“We’ve spent a lot of time in the city. I thought a park would be different.” I smile at Cosima. “Viens, walk with me.” I hold out my hand, and Cosima hesitates only a moment before linking our fingers.

“What was that?” Cosima points with her free hand. Late May is nearly perfect here, I smile at the thought. I cannot believe Cosima has been here almost a month. Time is already going too quickly.  


“That is the temple de la Sybille. It’s a miniature version of a temple in Rome.” I smile. “It was constructed for the park. It is beautiful though.”

“Any other fun historical facts?” Cosima prompts me, but I can tell this is working. I see Cosima captivated by the setting. Or at least, it piques her curiosity.  


  
“Oh… they used to do executions here in the 1700s?” I brush it off. “There was a quarry too, not anymore of course. The park is old, constructed in the late 1800s.”

A few trees are still in bloom, and people lay out on blankets socializing and drinking… or in some cases… I avert my eyes from the crowds and return them to Cosima. It is certainly a romantic location, and it seems to affect Cosima as planned. I see her eyes fixated on the temple, and on the suspension bridge that allows people to cross for a closer look.

“No blanket for a picnic?” Cosima teases.   
  
“Should I have stolen a bottle of wine from my parents?” I ask back playfully.

“Yes.” Cosima laughs jovially. “Bottle of wine… a baguette… Block of cheese... the whole deal.”

  
“Hmmm we may have to come back for that.” I tease, but produce a small box from my knapsack. “I do have truffles though.” I had thought to do that much, to grab something to share with Cosima. I briefly catch sight of lovers, close in age to ourselves, passionately kissing on the grass. Every time I think of kissing now I think about Cosima. I cannot help it. But we hadn’t kissed again, not since the discotheque.    
  


“I’ll take it.” Cosima smiles, helping herself to one of the decadent chocolates.

I sit on the hill, not far from the bridge. Cosima sitting beside me. I help myself to a truffle and chew it thoughtfully. It’s busy enough, it’s a warm day. It certainly isn't private. I acknowledge to myself. But then again, is any romantic place I can think of in Paris truly private?

“Can we cross the bridge? Is it… safe?” Cosima asks. “It’s suspension?”

“Oui. On peut.” I tease Cosima by switching languages. “And it is. Once again, made for the park.”

“I want to see it up close.” Cosima is eager enough, so we stand and move to cross. We explore around the miniature temple, before heading back across the bridge again. It is as romantic a setting as I had hoped, and still Cosima won’t do more than glance at me. She is too captivated by everything around her.

  
“Do you want to see more of the park?” I offer. “I could drive us around it on the scooter, or we could walk.”

“I think I want to walk.” Cosima decides. “Plus then we won’t total your brother’s vespa.”

“I hope not.” I laugh. “He is very attached to it.”

  
We explore, hand in hand, and my heart feels full again. The sound of Cosima’s laughter is perfect, couldn’t be more perfect.

“Let’s ride to the south side. There are waterfalls in the old quarry.” I tell Cosima knowingly. My attempt at romancing her seemingly accepted. We move easily along the pathways, I take it at low speed and stop the vespa again.

  
“Oh wow.” Cosima remarks. “I assume this isn’t a natural formation.”

“No. Done for the park.” I wrinkle my nose. “But just as beautiful.” It shouldn't make a difference. But maybe it does.  


Cosima pulls her camera from her bag, begins taking pictures. I smile for one of them, and then move out of the way. One picture with me in it is probably enough.

  
“No… come back.”

“Wouldn’t you rather be in the photo?” I offer, I take the camera and snap a few shots of Cosima before handing it back.

  
“Thanks.”

“De rien.” I respond. I look at her, and feel almost overwhelmed again. I cannot help myself any longer. Cosima is beautiful, her joyful, curious nature only serves to heighten my attraction to her. Isn’t this enough I wondered? I lean in, catching one of her hands in my own. But when I lean in for a kiss, she turns her head away. Turns her face with a laugh,and points at her cheek.

I peck her quickly on the cheek instead, letting myself linger a little bit.

  
“Why?” Cosima asks me when I am done.

“I wanted to.” I shrug. “I still want to, Cosima… you know that. And you know…” This would be so much easier if Cosima were the one pursuing me. All I would have to do is agree and then we could be together. Whatever else my feelings were I was increasingly convinced they were romantic in nature. Having Cosima is the logical conclusion, if she were willing. I sigh a little, and look back over at Cosima. Then there's the _other_ complication.  


“I am going to Amsterdam next weekend on Eurorail.” Cosima tells me calmly. “I’m going to stay in a cheap hostel. See more things. A different city.”

“Amsterdam?!” I balk, shocked. “Why would you want to go to… Oh… gay clubs.” That must be the reason. I cannot see Cosima wanting to engage the services of a prostitute. She had no need of it. Clearly. 

“Yeah. And pot among other substances.” Cosima giggles at me. “Felix, one of the English guys, went last weekend. It’s only a three hour train ride. He had a great time. And I think I want to go.”

“I thought you’d want to go to Berlin.” I tell Cosima honestly. “Or Munich… you have an aunt there, don’t you?” I could see myself going with her there. That would be fun, exploration for me as well. And cities my parents wouldn't worry about me setting foot in.  


“Maybe later.” Cosima tells me. “I just… I want to go have fun.”

“Can I come with you?” I ask quietly. Amsterdam had not been a place I had been planning to travel, ever. But going away with Cosima might have other advantages.

“You want to come with me to Amsterdam?” Cosima raises one eyebrow in my direction.

  
“It will be safer with two of us. We can get a hotel room to share.” I try to think about things I actually want to see in Amsterdam. “There are lovely museums. The Van Gogh museum…..”

“And a sex museum.” Cosima counters with a wide smile.

“And we can go there too. And we can party at night.” I offer, hoping Cosima will let me come.

“And if I don’t come back at night?” Cosima tests the waters cautiously. "What then?"  


  
“Then you don’t come back at night.” I repeat calmly. “It’ll… it’ll be safer with two of us.”   
  


Cosima shakes her head looking down. “My host parents already asked me to bring you. They are concerned.” 

“You told them?” I manage to get words out through my shock. Amsterdam wasn’t well regarded, at all. For a young woman to go there, alone, seems… dangerous. Though not as dangerous as it would have been years ago. 

“Umm yeah. They said if I wasn’t going to be home for  _ souper _ or to sleep just to call and let them know. They’re really chill.” Cosima nods thinking. “I didn’t tell them I am a lesbian though. They probably assume I was with a guy last weekend.” Cosima makes a face at the thought.  


  
“What’s the difference?” I shrug. Does it matter what André and Marie-Claire think? Surely, it doesn’t. What difference does it make if they think Cosima is making love to boys instead of girls? It doesn’t change reality.

“There’s a difference.” Cosima tells me pointedly. “And I am sure you know that. Otherwise… well… things would be different.”

  
“Different how?” I look at Cosima incredulously. What is she on about now?

“ _ We _ would have fucked last weekend.” Cosima lowers her voice, gesturing between the two of us.

  
“How… How did we get on to this topic?” I’m lost now. I blush, unable to help myself. I would have, last weekend. Probably. But… not without having to tell Cosima the truth first. And that, that would clearly be very difficult now.

“That there’s no difference between fucking girls or guys.” Cosima side-eyes me.

“I haven’t had the opportunity to make the comparison.” I opt to answer honestly, looking directly back at Cosima. “So I wouldn’t know. Aside from the… obvious.”

  
“Wow…” Cosima looks at me and then she averts her eyes briefly looking down. “That’s more direct than I thought you would be. You’re not… you’re not scared of it at all, are you?”

“Good. And no, I am not scared.” I tell her. I am certainly not scared of Cosima. “Come, let’s go have coffee and desserts. I know a great _pâtisserie_ not far from here.” I need to change the subject, before things get any worse. Or before Cosima can ask too many questions about my sexual experiences I don’t have real answers for.

“I am happy just hanging around with you, you know.” Cosima tells me as I am moving to straddle my brother’s vespa. 

“Moi aussi.” I tell Cosima. “Now, hang on to me.”   
  


“I will.” Cosima wraps her arms around my waist. She clings tightly this time and I love every minute of it. It is distracting, trying to whizz through the streets while thinking constantly how Cosima’s arms are wrapped around me.

  
We stop at a traffic light not far from the promised pâtisserie. Cosima leans in and kisses the back of my neck, and I make a small sound in my throat in response.

Neither of us say anything until I’ve parked the scooter. I turn to look at Cosima. Her face is impassive as she regards me seriously.

“You can come with me.” Cosima tells me when she finally speaks. 

“Good. What time do we leave?”

“Noon on Friday.” 

“I’ll be ready.” I tell Cosima. And I will make sure that I am.

* * *

It’s not hard to find Marc on campus. I grab him by the hand, never minding his stunned face and drag him to a quiet part of the building. Private enough, I figure. Supposedly boys don’t last very long once they’re inside you. Or so I have been told.

“J’ai besoin de toi,” I tell him plainly, dragging him along.

“Delphine?!” He cannot contain his shock, but he follows me nonetheless and furrows his brow when I close the door behind us. I lean in to kiss him, hard, and pull him into me. He’s not Cosima. It doesn’t excite me the same way at all, but I have to be willing to give. I decide as I slip my tongue into his mouth. I find it almost… boring with Marc, but I try to feign some kind of passion to excite him.

“What? What’s gotten into you?” Marc looks at me in surprise when I break the kiss, I unfasten my skirt, pushing it down my legs. Making it clear what I am after.

“I cannot be a virgin.” I tell Marc plainly. His hands are on my bare thighs, and I know this will be fast and then it will be over. And I won’t have to be a liar anymore.

Marc stops for a surprised moment. “T’es une vierge?”

“Yes. And I cannot be anymore.” I sigh in annoyance. This conversation was not getting us anywhere.

“What? Now you want to have sex? You’ve always told me no. You want that American girl. You don’t want me.” Marc tries to shut me down. Intent on ending this ill-thought out plan.

“But you’re still interested. You got an erection watching me kiss Cosima.” I tell him, knowing what I’d seen. That wasn’t entirely unfamiliar to me. 

Marc is unphased. “So?”

“I am going with Cosima on Friday to Amsterdam. I cannot be a virgin.” I reiterate, reaching for his hips. I kiss him fiercely, and for a moment I think Marc will yield. I try to excite him, knowing it won’t be very hard. Knowing that he’s been after me on and off for months.

“Delphine. Je n’ai pas de préservatif." Marc pushes me back, stopping me. “On peut pas.”

For a moment I stop. A condom had  _ definitely _ been a part of this plan. But I don’t have much time left. And I suspect I’ll need a day or two after to recover. Before I can have Cosima.

“D’accord.” I tell him. “Do it without.” I can tell he’s tempted, the way Marc is looking at me. He wrestles with his desire for physical pleasure. I guess I’ll find out how risk averse Marc is.

“No. I won’t. Not without a condom.” He decides finally. “It won’t make a difference. What she can do to you won’t hurt. Won’t even  _ be _ sex.”   
  


“But she… she doesn’t know.”

  
“So tell  _ her _ .” Marc shrugs, moving to push me back again. “I don’t want to make love to a woman who is going to be clenching her eyes shut wishing I were someone else.”

“I won’t clench my eyes shut. You can think about me kissing Cosima if you want to.” I protest, I begin lifting off my shirt. Hoping to tempt him, but Marc leaves. 

“Je veux pas baiser une lesbienne.” Marc tells me finally. “I want a woman who can want me. And you can’t, Delphine.”

I don’t know what I am. But I don’t argue.


	7. Chapter 7

_June 1997_

I try to downplay my anxiety as I pack my backpack for my weekend adventure. I’d opted to tell my papa instead of my maman. I can hear them arguing down the hall. I am going to be 20 years old by the end of the year. They don’t truly have a say in what I do. I am going, I know that much. The ticket is purchased. Cosima will be waiting for me soon and we’ll take the metro to the train station. And we’ll have our weekend away. 

“You’re really going with Cosima?” My mother comments when she sees me emerge from my room. I’m clad in jeans and a sweater, my backpack slung over one shoulder. I certainly don’t look like I am bent on seduction.

“Oui. Only for the weekend. We’ll be back Sunday evening.” I attempt the same nonchalance as before. 

“You will have separate beds?” My mother asks, her voice low. My father for his part seems unconcerned, even he is rolling his eyes at my mother’s concern. Then again, my father isn’t the most present person. 

“Oui, maman. We are staying at a hostel. There are bunkbeds.” I tell her. “Cosima and I are friends, that is all.” And that is true, whether or not I want it to be. And it has to stay that way. At least until I figure out another solution.

“Pas de drogues.” My mother tells me, as if she has a say in whatever we do. I wasn’t planning on it anyway.

“Bien sûr.” I agree, I don’t have any intentions of taking drugs. My mother eyes me closely. I shrug and watch my mother fetch her cigarettes and move to stand out on the balcony to smoke outside. 

“Brigitte…” My papa calls my mother from the living room. No doubt to tell her to relax, to let me have some fun. I will be the doctor daughter they want. They can at least let me have this. Cosima is only here until September. It should give us enough time. At least I hope it does.

Either way when I head out the door, no one stops me. I climb down the stairs to the courtyard to wait for Cosima. I cannot stop from smiling when I see her waiting for me in the courtyard, her own backpack on.

  
“Prete?” Cosima asks me.

“Oui.” I agree. I am ready, for the trip at any rate. Maybe things will be slow enough it won’t matter now. Maybe Cosima isn’t interested in having sex with me immediately. Maybe it will work out.

Cosima almost skips to keep up with me, a wide smile playing out on her face. I find myself wanting to indulge her, to be closer. Anything I can have.  
  
“What? What is it?” Cosima asks when she notices me watching her as we approach the metro station.

  
“Tu es belle, Cosima.” I tell her honestly. I can tell her that much and I can tell how much it pleases her.

“Even with the super short hair?” Cosima prompts running one hand across her head. It’s true, her hair isn’t even an inch long. But that doesn’t matter.

“With any sort of hair.” I reply.

“Mmmm.” Cosima hums back at me. She interlaces our fingers as we descend down to the metro station and I’m so happy I could burst. 

* * *

We arrive at the hostel before 4 pm, we check in and are given a carefully worded caution to lock any valuables in the lockers provided. The room has two sets of bunkbeds, Cosima claims the top bunk and locks away a few items. I toss my backpack onto the lower bunks and sort through my belongings. Other than my wallet and my identification I didn’t bring any valuables. The gold studs in my ears are the only jewelry I bought. I was prepared, at least for staying in a hostel.

“I don’t think anyone wants to steal our clothes.” Cosima emphasizes, tossing the rest of her backpack onto her bed. I watch Cosima tuck her passport back in the thin fanny pack along with a handful of euros.

“Other than my wallet, I didn’t bring anything valuable.” I tell Cosima, and realize that I will have to lock it up at night. But there are lockers and we can manage that. Cosima produces a combination lock from her backpack.

  
“I got you covered. We’ll lock up our stuff together.” Cosima tells me kindly.

  
“OK.” I agree.

“We could get a hotel room… if you want,” Cosima looks at me with concern. “Or we could ask if they have private rooms available. Then you’ll just have to share with me.”

“Non, that is alright.” Sharing a bed with Cosima, being alone all night with Cosima would likely expose me. In more ways than one.

“Alright.” Cosima nods, but she doesn’t seem too disappointed. “It is cheaper this way. I get it.”

“What now?” I look around the sparse utilitarian room to my Cosima. I am here for her, and will have to 

“We walk through the red light district- just to see it. And then we get dinner somewhere.” Cosima tells me cheerily.

“I’d like that. Dinner anyway.” I decide. I’m not sure how I feel about witnessing blatant prostitution but I suppose it will be interesting in a sociological sort of way.

“Think of it like an experiment.” Cosima suggests. So I do, we leave the hostel and start walking and I am so comfortable with Cosima it takes a while before Cosima digs a map out of her pocket.

I am not sure what to make of it, sex workers stand in windows in lingerie, some stand out on the curb. No doubt to entice their clientele. Most… most are women. And most people walking along the street are men. Some curious tourists like Cosima and I, some looking to pay for services.

“Legal prostitution. It’s a good idea if you think about it.” Cosima comments.

  
“It used to be in France, though, confined to brothels.” This much I know. _Les maison closes_. I don’t know much more than that. There’s a history of it, of both prostitutes and courtesans. 

“I know.” Cosima tells me with a laugh.

“You know?” I turn to look at Cosima, unbothered by looking away from the street. 

“Yep.” Cosima nods. “Paris has an erotic museum too, but it’s like brand new. A few of us students went last week. Entire floor dedicated to ‘les maisons closes’.” Cosima attempts proper pronunciation and I must admit, she is improving.

“Why do you think legal prostitution is a good idea?” I find myself asking without thinking. It certainly wasn’t a subject I spent much time thinking about. I knew Paris had a history of it, but so did many other places. Maybe every place. 

  
Cosima looks as though it’s obvious. “It’s safer… eliminates crime. Everybody is getting tested. Easy access to condoms. And if it is limited to brothels they could screen the clientele. Just safer. No one gets hurt or killed. No men profiting off of it.” 

We walk through, I blush more than a little at what I see but Cosima is seemingly unimpressed, merely curious. 

  
“Dinner?” Cosima offers finally, realizing that she has made me a little uncomfortable.

  
“Yes.” I agree. 

“Does it disgust you?” Cosima asks. “What we saw?”

  
“Non.” I respond honestly. “People… have needs. Some pay to get them met. It’s a service like any other.” It was strictly about sex and pleasure after all, men’s pleasure but pleasure all the same.

“I just find it interesting to see. It’s not hidden here. The Dutch are… very liberal.” Cosima smirks again. “But I swear I am just here for the pot and the gay clubs. Speaking of which, how about a small detour?”

I lower my voice. “Are you sure you can trust the suppliers here?” I try to assure myself my concern is only for Cosima’s safety. I know if she asked I’d smoke it with her. But on my own I am not eager.  
  
“I… I guess so? I know I can’t buy much. I don’t want to risk getting caught with it in France.” Cosima grimaces again.

We stop at a coffee shop where Cosima buys a small amount of cannabis without much fanfare. I watch Cosima roll a joint.

“Do you have a lighter?” Cosima asks me. I don’t and she marches back into the coffee shop to get a light. She emerges toking thoughtfully on the joint.

“Do you want me to try it?”

Cosima looks me over. “Do you want to try it?”

I consider it thoughtfully. I certainly don’t much care for the smell, but I do want to impress Cosima. I might as well. And my curiosity, there’s that as well. “Oui.”

I take a small drag, holding the smoke briefly in my lungs before exhaling. It doesn’t feel much different than smoking a cigarette. It certainly isn’t difficult. Not that I smoke often.

“Hot.” Cosima pronounces me. She takes the joint back. “Come on, let’s go find a bench and enjoy how much no one cares.”

“Alright.” I agree. “Can I have more?”

  
“Sure.” Cosima laughs. “We’ll share it.”

I take another long drag and Cosima smiles happily at me and kisses me gently on the cheek. We finish the joint on a bench somewhere. 

We both get hungry, and after dinner we return to the hostel earlier than planned. I stare at the ceiling considering Cosima’s nose ring. Cosima’s body. The memory of her kiss. Cosima for her part laughs at me. Maybe I could have Cosima. Maybe Cosima really wouldn’t be able to tell. Maybe what she’d want to do to me wouldn’t be as revealing as I worried.

“Dude, you’re so baked.” Cosima giggles again.

“Aren’t you?” I giggle, and turn to look at Cosima.

Cosima shakes her head. “Not as much as you.” 

It takes me a long time to fall asleep. And my sleep is interrupted. Too many people. Too many voices. I am half convinced that one of the girls on the bunkbeds across the room is having sex with a boy. I can even hear his grunting. I blink myself awake and look over. Apparently that is happening.

“It’s supposed to be a girl’s dorm! Not mixed!” I hear Cosima holler out from above my head. “Fuck… Delphine… Try telling them in French.”

“C’est les filles seulement ici!” I groan out, then move to put my pillow over my ears. Hearing Sébastien like that through the wall was more than enough. I didn’t need to hear or see some strangers making love aggressively less than two metres from where I was sleeping.  
  
The young man finishes, and then quickly moves to dress and leave. I keep my eyes averted, a glimpse of his buttocks had been more than I wanted to see.

“Hostels.” Cosima mutters above me. I wonder just what I’d gotten myself into once again.

* * *

Cosima shakes me awake in the morning. Between the cannabis and the interruptions to my sleep I find myself still exhausted.

“Hey. I brought you some breakfast.” Cosima offers me a pastry and a styrofoam cup of coffee.

  
“Merci.” I thank her and sit up.

“Maybe you were right.” Cosima admits. “Maybe we should have stayed in a hotel. I know we talked about it yesterday. And if you want to, we could.”

“Because of the girl having sex?” I ask between tired bites of pastry. I do not like hostels. That much I have decided. I wondered absently if it were too late to ask at reception if we could switch to a private room for just Cosima and I.

“Because of… a lot of things.” Cosima sits beside me and leans into my side. “I figured this morning we could ride the tram to the Van Gogh museum. Then the sex museum after lunch.”

“A museum day?” That sounds pleasant enough. And it is. Cosima and I happily explore the Van Gogh museum, she purchases a small book as a present for her mother. And I enjoy it. It’s the same simple fun we’d been having in Paris. It’s enough. It’s more than enough. 

We break for lunch, stopping at a small café. It’s pleasant enough. 

“Thanks for coming with me.” Cosima tells me.

“I am happy you let me. It’s been fun.” I agree readily. It has been fun.

“And after dinner, we go to clubs.” Cosima smiles again. “I wanted to last night but you were… you were high and I didn’t want to risk anyone taking advantage of you.”

“Gay clubs?”

“Yes.” Cosima tells me firmly. “We only have one night left. I don’t want to go to a club full of men. Well… straight men.. Gay men aren’t going to bother with us.”

“OK.” I agree quickly. If that is what Cosima wants.

The sign above the museum makes me laugh. Venustempel Sexmuseum. It’s just erotic art, I tell myself. And I know, I cannot let myself react. 

The giant penis sculptures have me trying to stifle a fit of giggles and Cosima looks at me warily. “Don’t get too excited, Delphine.” 

“I am not excited.” I tell Cosima. “I just… I don’t typically see giant stone penises.”

“Who does.” Cosima nods, once again entirely calm. We make our way though various exhibits, including far too many stone figurines with giant genitials performing fellation.

  
“Is this hot to you?” Cosima asks, pointing to one.

“Non. Not particularly.” I answer honestly. 

“Just wondered.” Cosima continues on. “Humans have always been horny… clearly.” 

We wander through the museum, and it’s fine enough, eventually the erotic art shocks me less and less. I see more genitals than I have ever seen in my life, but I don’t react. Simply shrug if Cosima asks me about the many heterosexual couplings depicted.

“It’s just art… not real life.” I mutter out. 

“Yeah. But it’s hot to you, right?” Cosima looks me over carefully, and I know I must feign more of an interest. It is interesting, particularly the older erotic art. But it doesn’t excite me the way it seems to excite Cosima.  
  
We stop again at a display of old erotic photos this time featuring women and Cosima observes them all closely. I look but try not to think too much about it. About what Cosima might want from me. 

  
“Now this is what I’m talking about.” Cosima grins at it. “Not nearly enough cunnilingus in life or art.”

I blush and laugh. I shouldn’t be surprised that this is what Cosima likes. Her focus at looking at the homoerotic displays, that makes sense. This interests her and yet I struggle to stop from laughing. I try to picture Cosima doing this with Lori, hoping that it will quell my own reactions. Keep me from picturing anything. 

  
“You’ve never?” Cosima quickly turns her head to look at me.

“Done this?” I point at the picture of one woman performing oral sex on another. “Non. I haven’t.”

“You’re missing out.” Cosima advises me, before pulling me along to the next display. For a moment, I am reminded of my mother going on about Marc. But I let it go and continue to follow Cosima. To enjoy her company as I receive a vicarious sexual education.

We finally escape the museum, after Cosima has taken a few pictures of herself next to some obscene exhibits and step back out onto the street.

“That was fun.” I tell Cosima. And it had been, the company had made it for me.

“I’m glad you thought so. I figured it’d be more fun than the torture musuem.” Cosima nods wisely at me. “Ket

  
I laugh. “Pleasure over pain. Good choice.”

“Come on, let’s get some food and get changed, and then I am taking you out.” Cosima practically skips down the street and I must follow. 

* * *

Cosima leads me through a bar, mostly full of men. The back bar and stools rotate around on a mechanical carousel and I have to admit I am impressed. I see couples, mostly men, grabbing drinks.

I order a drink in english and sip it slowly. We turn at the bar and Cosima is delighted and happy and having a drink of her own.

“Apparently there’s an associated club just down the street.” Cosima tells me. “I want to dance with you.”

I lean into Cosima’s space. “I like dancing with you. I just… I want to be with you.” I am unsure what other words would be enough. I will have to tell her, somehow but not just yet. I want to enjoy this evening first before I ruin it.

“You do, don’t you?” Cosima smiles, shifting herself closer to me. “I know…”

Cosima leans over and kisses me, she feels safe here. I quickly realize. Being surrounded by other homosexuals is reassuring to her and I kiss back. No one pays much attention to us. We are just two more girls enthralled in each other. The men certainly pay us no mind.

“Oh Delphine.” Cosima moans, tangling her hands in my hair. She kisses me again deeper and I return the kiss. Kissing Cosima is suddenly the easiest thing in the world. When we’re thoroughly breathless we part reluctantly. Returning our attention to our barely touched drinks. We finish up and head out. The spinning bar enough to make anyone dizzy, even sober.

I spend the next two glorious hours dancing with Cosima, we hold each other close and move to the music when it is slow. And we jump around dancing when it’s not. The club quickly becomes crowded, a sea of people. The music so loud I can barely hear myself think. But there is Cosima. We dance and we kiss, no one bothers us and Cosima’s hands are gentle, tentative on my body. It is perfect. So perfect.

  
“Want to try another club? One more before we go?” Cosima yells to be heard and I nod. I let her lead me from the crowded dance floor. We walk along the street hand in hand, careful to stand away from the trams, and she leads me to a larger club, one with two levels and a huge dance floor. This one busier than the last. 

We dance again, moving together on the dance floor. No one approaches us, they read us as together. I realize. No other woman will bother me here as long as Cosima keeps touching me and dancing with me like this. Her hands graze across my hips, brush the sides of my breasts and she kisses me again deeply. I moan into her mouth but know that she won’t be able to hear me. No one will with the music blaring. The song is in English, lighthearted pop music and Cosima seems to know it. 

  
I move to take a break, climbing the stairs to the second level, I ask for water. I know I need to hydrate or I’ll risk fainting or worse. Cosima trails behind me quickly… not wanting to separate.

“Hey, you OK?” Cosima asks loudly.

“Just thirsty. You should have some water too.” I sigh, sitting down. My legs and feet are sore again, going clubbing with Cosima exhausts me. But so worth it.

“Good… I just needed to make sure you were OK.” Cosima leans in again and strokes my hair affectionately.

“I am more than OK.” I tell her, leaning in for another kiss, which she obliges near instantly. 

“We should get a hotel room.” Cosima announces when she’s pulled back. “Otherwise… I _will_ fuck you in the bunkroom. And that could get awkward if you’re not like particularly into exhibitionism.”

“Non… I can’t.” I look at Cosima, instantly panicked. I realize where this will lead. 

“Why not? You’re into me, right?” Cosima looks at me, her eyes suddenly critical. “You clearly love kissing me. Why not do more?”

“I… I’m scared.” I stammer out finally. “Cosima… I need to…” I need to tell her, this is it. I take a deep breath and reach for her hand. But Cosima pulls away, her eyes hurt and then angry. 

“Fine… if you don’t want me I’ll find somebody who does!” Cosima huffs off. I sit staring at my water for a good ten minutes trying to figure out how to recoup the situation. I go looking for Cosima when I have gathered my nerve. But I see she is already in the company of a very tall redheaded Dutchwoman, dancing closely like we were before. And when I see them kiss, I go to leave. I might as well leave Cosima to it and go back to the hostel. I try to crush down my jealousy. 

I leave without a word, not bothering to tell Cosima I have left. What is the point? This stranger can make love with Cosima… and I cannot. I try not to cry on my way back to the hostel. This is my fault. I created this situation by refusing Cosima. If I will not have her, clearly someone else will.

I lock my belongings up and climb into bed in the empty room. With no one here on a Saturday night it should be easier to sleep. At least until Cosima or the other girls return.

* * *

I wake too easily when the door to the bunkroom swings open. I hear footsteps but try to tune them out. I don’t move, don’t open my eyes in case it is something else I do not want to see.

  
“Delphine?” Cosima’s voice calls softly but I feign sleep. I shouldn’t be awake. I shouldn’t be aware. I feel her hesitate next to my bunk, but I keep my breathing deep and even. Even as Cosima lays her hand against my shoulder. I certainly don’t want to talk to Cosima about her going off with some Dutch girl for sex instead of me.

I feel her hand stroke my hair for a moment or two. This confuses me. Cosima was angry. Cosima had gone off with that girl. But there’s only one set of footsteps and I hear Cosima removing her clothing, changing for bed I guess. Maybe Cosima had decided to come back early? Maybe she changed her mind? I have no idea what time it is or how long Cosima’s been gone.

I hear Cosima slip into her bunk. And I start to drift off again, it must be late. But it cannot be too late, the other two bunks are still empty. Perhaps those girls wouldn’t return tonight. From the other bed I can hear her moving, rustling around in the blankets, the sharp intakes of breath.

I keep my breathing slow, continue feigning sleep, even as I become sure of what Cosima is doing. She’s touching herself, and I can hear every minute of it. And I can tell she is trying not to make any noise, despite the wet sounds I can clearly make out. How is she still so aroused? Just like this? Or was Cosima left somehow unsatisfied?

Instantly my mind is filled with images of Cosima, mouth agape and moaning in ecstasy. I wonder what it would be like to touch her. To kiss her without reservation. To be able to give Cosima what she wanted. I try to picture it, making love with Cosima. Being the cause of her pleasure. Something I cannot do.

I feel an unfamiliar tension, a tightening in my own sex, my own body. I force myself to lie very still as Cosima clearly finishes, she lets out a low moan and goes still once more.

“Je t’aime.” I whisper when I am certain she is asleep. “Je t’aime, Cosima.”

In response there is only silence, and the soft slow breathing of my would-be lover.

My emotions were undeniable, the way Cosima seemed to ignite everything inside me. Just being around her was the greatest high I’d ever felt. I’ve fallen in love.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops. I keep writing this and it's ready to go. Happy holidays.

We sit in a somewhat awkward silence on the train back to Paris. I assume Cosima’s awkwardness is to do with me leaving her in the bar. Mine, from what I witnessed last night.

I wonder what our friendship will even be after this. I try desperately not to think of last night. Our last night in Amsterdam. Hearing Cosima like that wasn’t something I would forget easily. Try as I might it’s been on my mind all morning.

“Delphine?” Cosima asks, she’s stood up and began moving around our train car. I remain seated, at least we have the car to ourselves for now.

“Oui?” I return my attention to the present and the fully dressed, composed Cosima before me.

“It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.” Cosima paces in front of me, hands moving rapidly through the air.

I stop, taken aback. “What do you mean?”

“You and I…” Cosima turns to look at me. “I mean, as long as you’re ok with me… meeting my needs elsewhere. We can have _something._ If you want to.”

“What something?” 

“Kissing. Dating. Traveling.” Cosima gestures it out. “Friendship. Long drawn out debates on the possibilities of genetic engineering and stem cell research. Like everything else and if it changes? Great. And if it doesn’t… that’s OK too.”

“So you want… kissing and… romance with me and … sex with strangers?” I try to piece together what Cosima is offering me. It doesn’t seem right. I bite my lip and look back at Cosima. Sure enough, she looks completely serious.

  
“Yeah. OK it sounds less great that way.” Cosima looks back at me. “I just… I thought it’d be a solution.”

“It is a solution.” I cannot help but agree. One that would be easier for me, at least until I tell her. But what if Cosima falls in love with someone else? What if she finds more than pleasure with one of her lovers? What then?

  
“And I am only here until September… that is… that’s part of your reluctance, right?” Cosima looks at me, dark eyes soft and fixed on my own face. “I mean I hope that’s the bigger part of it, because otherwise it’s about my body and that… that doesn't feel so great.”

I nod in agreement. I had certainly thought about that. That whatever Cosima and I could have would be incredibly temporary. Then, whatever happened or didn’t, we would be an ocean apart. Maybe it was foolish to fall in love with her. Either way it is too late now.

“And turning your life and identity upside down just to have me leave… I get why you would be scared of that.” Cosima tries understanding, her hand clasped warmly around my own.

  
“Oui. C’est ça.” I agree easily. This… this is easier. My unease doesn’t fully leave me, even as I move to lean against Cosima’s smaller form.

“We can… we can take our time. And if we get nowhere… oh well.” Cosima gestures this out, ending with a shrug.

“It doesn’t bother you?”   
  


“No. It doesn’t.” Cosima seems certain enough. So maybe I should be too.

* * *

Four days later Cosima surprises me outside of my lab. I had been trying to be productive, trying to catch up in my coursework. Cosima was ...distracting.

  
“Cosima!” I greet her with delighted surprise. 

  
“Hey Delphine… are you bored?”

“A little.” I admit. This class and its lab were both rather easy for me.

“Do you want to go somewhere?’ Cosima asks eagerly. I wonder what she has in mind.   
  


“Oui. Where were you thinking?” I find myself thinking about the more romantic places in the city. Having time alone with Cosima away from my suspicious mother and the Lalondes.

“Venice.” Cosima looks at me, plainly serious.

I giggle nervously. “But that’s far! That is a lot of hours on a train.” It’s doable certainly, but it would be at the very least a weekend trip.

“Yes but, we would take a night train. We could book a couchette or a sleeper car. Depart before dinner, arrive early morning.” Cosima had clearly been planning. 

“We could.” I agree.

“So….” Cosima tilts her head irresistibly at me. “That’s a yes?”

“Oui.” As if I could say no. My parents might start to object if we take too many weekend getaways out of France. But Venice with Cosima is an opportunity I cannot pass up.   
  


“Good. Because I already booked it.” Cosima laughs. “It’s a little expensive, but it works. We’ll have supper and breakfast on board and then we will explore Venice.”

“We’ll need accommodations.” I remind Cosima.

  
“And not another hostel. I promise.” Cosima assures me. “And I will find some place with separate beds.”

  
“Separate beds.” I repeat nodding. This is an important part of the not having sex with Cosima plan. The plan my baser instincts would like to cast off entirely, while the rest of me sits in indecision. I don’t want to make my decision out of fear. Or out of uncontrollable passion. I must find a way to be cautious about this, thoughtful even.

“So I’ll figure out accommodations. Or… you can… but we’ll need it for two nights, Friday and Saturday.”

“I will make it happen.” I agree. Surely I can figure out something for us. Something appropriate for friends travelling together and not a hostel. 

“OK let’s go find a travel agent and grab food from a casse-croûte!” Cosima pulls me by the hand and I find I’m happy to follow.

**

We hop the train together Thursday evening. I leave my one Friday lab to go. An extra day in Venice will be worth it. Another city of canals and boats. Part of me wonders if Cosima has a interest in these cities for that reason.

Instead of asking, I leave a note for my parents, scribbled hastily on the back of an envelope. 

“I just… I want to see it.” Cosima tells me on the train. “It’s supposed to be beautiful.”

“I’ve never seen Venice.” I admit. “It’s a long ride.” It’s not a city my parents had thought to bring me to. Or one I’d really pursued seeing on my own. It had been relegated to the realm of a someday trip. 

  
“Hence the sleeper car.” Cosima smiles. “They had a double available, and that’s enough for the two of us. I didn’t want a shared couchette after our hostel experience.”

  
“How… How many beds?” I certainly didn’t want to brave a couchette car after our hostel experience. Though supposedly it would be all women.

“I didn’t ask. Two I assume, but could be one. We’ll have dinner on the train and then we will find out.” Cosima leads on to the dining car with her backpack swinging behind her.

We eat a good meal, both pleased by the offerings and choices and Cosima gets us each a glass of wine with dinner. It’s… romantic, certainly. Taking this trip with Cosima.

“What do you say we go full cheesy and go on a gondola ride tomorrow?” Cosima asks me. At first I wonder if she is joking, but she looks entirely serious. The watertaxis are much cheaper, and I thought with our other trip expenses that would make a lot more sense.

“Oui.” I agree. “And after, we can get coffee and pastry and sit in St. Marc’s square. Explore the bridges and canals.”

“Just one warning,” Cosima stops me with a smile. “I am definitely going to get lost in Venice.”

* * *

The sleeper car is small, a double bed and what looks like a small WC with a tiny shower. There’s a small sink in the corner, and a table. It’s enough, for the night anyway. There is a large window behind the bed, displaying scenery as we continue to pass through France and I smile at it. It is a lovely way to travel. I regard the solitary bed with mild concern.

“Is this okay?” Cosima checks with me first, gesturing between us before climbing in beside me. The bed isn’t large but we’re small enough to fit easily in double.

“Yes.” I turn on my side, “But shouldn’t you be practicing your French?”

“Fine... Puis-je coucher avec toi?” Cosima throws out halfheartedly, but I’m sure she’s not unaware of the implications.

“Oui.” I tell her seriously. Wishing I could have her easily. Wishing this didn’t have to be complicated. 

“I’ll take the outside.” Cosima offers. “That way you don’t need to worry about falling out.”

“Falling out?” I can feel the vibrations of the train moving, a feeling I will no doubt have to get used to to try to sleep, but I doubt it would make me fall out of bed.

“Is that OK?”

“Yes.” I agree. I can do this, I can sleep next to Cosima. It’s not as if she’ll be trying to seduce me. She said she wouldn’t and that  _ should  _ make this easy.

Cosima reaches out, putting her hands on my biceps, trying to reassure me. “No pressure. We’ll just sleep.”

“Of course we will.” I agree vehemently. Surely I can share a bed with Cosima without leaping on her like some kind of crazed vole. I watch Cosima turn around to change, and I do the same, quickly pulling on my pyjamas. 

I slide into bed and Cosima slides in next to me. I look away at first and then roll to my back so I can see her. She’s lying very still, almost as if she too is made nervous by our proximity.

  
“Veux-tu me câliner?" I ask her when I notice Cosima is staring at me intently, wondering if that is what she wants. To be closer, to hold me.

“Did you just ask me to cuddle?” Cosima raised one eyebrow and tilts her head adorably.

“Sort of?”

Cosima laughs at me, leaning in to give me a quick kiss on the nose. “No offence, but I don’t think that’s a good idea. You’re pretty tempting and while I would absolutely stop as soon as you wanted me to but I’m not up for that level of sexual frustration right now.”

“Je comprends.” I nod, curling my body away from Cosima’s. I am a tease, I realize. Even if I don’t mean to be.

We eventually drift off, the soft motion of the train a welcome distraction to my thoughts. I drift in and out of consciousness, as does Cosima.

Sometimes she faces me, a hand near my face. Sometimes she is curled away. 

“What time is it?” I murmur, I reach out to Cosima.

“Not quite midnight. Go back to sleep.” Cosima presses a warm hand to my back and I let myself drift off again.

* * *

It’s happening again. I was half asleep when I hear Cosima, her hand moving against her own sex, her moans muffled into a pillow.

At first I’m confused, there’s not even a metre of space between us. I turn quickly to find Cosima on her knees on the floor, head bowed. 

“Cosima!” I exclaim in shock, taken aback. That she would risk doing this now was shocking. But perhaps, after Amsterdam she believed I would sleep through it. 

Cosima startles immediately. “Fuck, you’re supposed to be asleep.” Her cheeks redden a little and she stops in her motions.

I look her over, and quickly make a decision. “Je veux le faire. Let me do it.” I could touch Cosima, I think that much would be easier. Or it should be. Cosima would know what to do.

Cosima stops, pulling her hand from her pyjama bottoms. “You want to do what?”

I push myself up on my bed, looking over at her, unable to see anything beyond the duvet. “Let me…” I open the covers, beckoning her over with my hand.

“Why?” Cosima rolls her eyes. “So you can get angry at me later on and tell me how much you love dick?”

“No…. because I want to touch you.” I spit back, my voice fair less calm than I want it to be. “It has been all I have been able to think about for weeks. Kissing you. Touching you.”

My words make Cosima shift in front of me. Her features soften and she looks me over for a moment then climbs on to the bed again.

She kisses me hard, arms wrapping around me. I instantly return the kiss, not caring that we are on a train. That the soundproofing in these compartments is likely minimal. This may be my only chance.

“So touch me.” Cosima tells me softly, her voice low when we break the kiss, she moves to pull her pyjama bottoms off and tosses them onto the floor beside the bed. I cannot see much in the dark and shadow. A thatch of wiry dark hair, but I reach for her, trying to be brave.

I let my fingers graze against her, cupping her with my hand. The heat surprises me a little. She is wet, wetter than I have ever been. I rub her gently, cautiously, 

“Do you like it?” Cosima asks me. But she’s soft, vulnerable. 

  
“Oh yes.” I sigh at her, stroking her softly. Mimicking what I would do to myself, and it’s working. 

“Delphine…” Cosima whispers softly up at me. “We should lie down.” And we move from our knees to lying down on the bed. I reach back to touch her again, letting my fingers slide against her sex.

“Ooh.” I moan, leaning down to kiss her lips again. Needing to kiss her. Needing to love her.

“I want to feel you inside me.” Cosima insists, guiding my motions for several minutes before letting go, putting her arms around my shoulders, clutching to me. When I don’t enter her quickly enough for her liking, Cosima grips my wrist, she pushes me in and suddenly I am inside her. I close my eyes for a moment, she’s warm and wet, my fingers easily engulfed. 

“Anything. Just tell me what you want.” I respond. I watch her closely, try to move the way she wants me to. I feel inadequate, but I keep moving, keep trying. I kiss her as often as I can, letting our lips meet and cling, trying to pour my love into this encounter. Maybe that can compensate for the rest.

“I wanted this...so badly. I have you inside me… You feel so good.” Cosima murmurs up at me, rocking up her hips as she draws me in for another kiss. She’s sucking on my tongue when I move again, trying to please her. Trying to be what I need to be. I wish her shirt were off, but I cannot remove it without stopping and I do not want to stop. I don’t want to lose my nerve. I don’t want to risk Cosima changing her mind.

“Je veux te faire plaisir. Je veux te faire l'amour.” I breathe softly. “I want you to be happy… Je t’aime.”

“I’m going to show you… I’m going to teach you how to make love to me.” Cosima tells me hoarsely. She thrusts her hips upwards, bucking up onto my fingers as she moans again. I am captivated. Her words send heat through my own body, settling between my legs.

I try my best to follow her lead, to give her what she wants. My wrist strains but I keep pushing into her, keep pressing my palm into the small bundle of nerves I know will bring her release. If I can only do it just right. It seems a little rougher than I planned but she wants it. And I will give it to her. Cosima groans, looking up at me with a hazy gaze. I work her gently but firmly, urging her beautiful body towards orgasm. 

“Please.” I beg her softly, kissing her again, I kiss from her lips to the lobe of her ear and suck softly. I don’t know what I am doing. I worry it’s too awkward or not good enough, but Cosima helps me. She guides my hand at times and shoves her hips up towards me at others. And it is working. It is enough.

Cosima cries out in response, clutching me to her body, holding me deep inside. I watch her come, she tightens and grips, her muscles clinging greedily to my fingers. It’s breathtaking, more beautiful than I thought it could be. I’m more in love than I thought I could be.

“Ohhh.” Cosima lets out a long breath, still clinging to my shoulders.

“Was it good enough? Are you happy?” I nuzzle her cheek happily, not needing or wanting to disengage. I’d gotten what I wanted, and now I could hold her freely. I never thought this would feel this satisfying. That something in me would feel complete too.

Cosima sags into my arms only briefly, facing me and enjoying the contact. “Yeah… oh wow.” Cosima’s breathing heavily. “You … you were so enthusiastic.”

“Je t’aime.” I promise her, kissing lips, her face. My fantasy was reality. I had Cosima. I had _made_ _love_ to Cosima. And my heart was full. And my secret was safe. I’m still inside her and I reluctantly withdraw my fingers. 

“Holy shit.” Cosima laughs softly, kissing me back. We slide from the bed to the floor. I pull her to me and kiss her again. 

“I cannot get enough of you.” I tell her softly, trying desperately to make myself understood. “All of you. This is… this is  _ your _ body. I can love it too.”

“I… I’m falling in love with you, Delphine.” Cosima whispers softly before kissing me again. Her strong arms close around me and my heart responds again. 


	9. Chapter 9

I am happily kissing Cosima on the floor. Never minding that the floor is cold, almost humming with the movement of the train, or that neither of us is fully dressed. Cosima wears only her t-shirt, her pants having been discarded for our lovemaking. I am more aroused than I have ever been in my life, and yet, I don’t really want anything. I am content. 

  
“We made love.” I purr into Cosima’s ear. I want to heighten this experience emotionally for her. I want it to mean just as much to Cosima. I want her to fall deeper in love with me, want to cement our connection.

“We did. On the train!” Cosima smiles back kissing me again. “I didn’t think you’d… you’d just like...do me.”

“I wanted to.” I tell her. “Tu… Tu es mon _amour_.” I try to emphasize.

  
It works, Cosima begins kissing me ravenously again, her hands catching on my pyjamas, one hand moves to slip under my shirt and I whimper in response. 

“But we weren’t even naked.” Cosima laughs as she breaks the kiss, indicating her sweaty t-shirt and my pyjamas still on. We were a mess of sweat and other fluids, but…. I couldn’t bring myself to care. So what if sex was messy. I had had _Cosima_. 

“I’m sorry. I should have undressed you.” It’s true, I should have . There was still so much of Cosima’s body I haven’t seen. Haven’t touched. Haven’t kissed. It doesn't seem right. I will have to rectify that at some point.

We climb back onto the bed, Cosima’s travel clock reads 4:59 am. We have hours until breakfast. I realize just how imperfect this is. Making love in a unplanned frenzy in transit does not feel nearly romantic enough for how much I feel.

"We can still get undressed." Cosima’s whispering in my ear between increasingly heated kisses. 

"We could wait until we’re in Venice if you want. More privacy." I offer. I’m certainly willing to wait a little longer for more. "We don't have to rush, Cosima." 

“I don’t think I can wait Delphine ... fuck I just wanna...” Cosima swallows, dilated pupils staring at me, “I just want to make you come.”

“Cosima.” I whimpered despite myself. I couldn’t let her. I need to come clean first. I let her kiss me again, deeply, her tongue stroking at mine, her body pressing into my own.

“Just try it." She offeres hopefully. “I know it’s going to be good for both of us. You feel so good."

“I know I said I love you.” Could I tell her now? Would she still reject me after what we shared? Would my virginity even matter now? Maybe Cosima would just touch me gently. Maybe it didn’t have to be a big deal.

“Yeah. You did...” Cosima grins. "And I know you’d rather be here with me than anyone else.”

“It’s true.”

“So let me do this... let’s try...” Cosima speaks softly, fingers stroking my hair. “I can please you. I promise.”

“Okay.” I nodded.

Cosima undresses herself until she is fully naked before me. And she is beautiful. I cannot stop looking at her. Cannot stop from smoothing my hands over her fair olive skin. Her breasts are a little fuller than mine, her nipples a darker hue and I find it all captivating. 

  
“Hey… it’s your turn now.” Cosima teases me, kissing me deeply as she shifts her body over mine. I whimper, letting Cosima undress me. Trying to be confident, trying not to shudder at the new sensation of hands on my bare skin. She removes my pyjama pants and takes a moment just to look at me. I see her eyes looking down, the messy thatch of wiry light brown hair catching her attention. She smiles at me and runs a hand over me lightly and I gasp in response. This is happening. I try to quell my nerves but it’s difficult.

Cosima lowers her voice, hovering above me. “I want to be inside you, Delphine.” She rolls her hips laying her weight against me, she kisses me deeply and rolls her hips again. She is trying to excite me, I understand this. I cling to her kissing back, trying to decide my next move.

I think, briefly, of refusing this. But then again _this_ isn’t supposed to be a big deal to me. “Yes. Be inside me.” I tell her instead.  
  


She presses firmly, two fingers circling my entrance. My anxiety increases by the minute. I don’t know what I’m doing, what I’m supposed to feel. 

“You feel so good.” Cosima groans, pushing in slowly. My body slowly yields, I feel a little stretching and pressure more than pleasure. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I had been warned this wouldn’t feel great, at least with a boy. I had hoped with Cosima it would be different. 

“Cosima... I...” I moaned, feeling her fingers thrust into me again, gathering more wetness from within me. All I could seem to manage were words of love. “Je t’aime.” I tell her instead, surely my love for her is more important than the rest? What if Cosima could tell somehow? What if I did something weird?

“You’re making this hard.” Cosima chokes out, stilling her fingers inside me. “You’re like really nervous. You’re tensing up everywhere. You need to relax, Delphine. Or I am going to have to stop.”

I hummed and whimpered in response. “I’m sorry.” Her fingers are insistent, they push inside me, and then again deeper. I had been expecting pleasure, instead I find it awkward even as my body adjusts. It isn’t painful, I decide and it is Cosima. And I want her. Physical sensations aside.

“Oh shit... you’re crying,” Cosima stops suddenly, “We can stop.” I didn’t realize I was crying. Maybe from nerves? Feeling overwhelmed? Either way I must find a way to make this encounter mean more to Cosima.

“Non! Non!” I bite my lip. “Don’t stop. Never stop. I _love_ you!” I worry Cosima will be able to tell, I need to act like this is nothing. I try telling her in her own language. Maybe that will reach her more.

“Okay... Okay...” Cosima resumes her slow tender movements. It feels awkward, but I wrap my arms around her and try to pull her in to kiss. But Cosima seems different somehow while I’m kissing her now. Maybe I’ve done something wrong.

“Is this OK?” I ask softly, she’s looking down at me, her expression becoming less soft by the minute.

“Delphine… have you done this before?” Cosima looks increasingly concerned. Her brown eyes fixed on my face. She is still inside me, but her fingers have stopped moving entirely.

“Non.” I look up at Cosima, and shake my head. Lying was no longer an option. I must have done something or failed to do something. 

“Like… never… right?” Cosima appears to be cluing in extremely quickly.

“Never with anyone.” I admit softly. “I…” I cut myself off. Cosima’s figuring it out on her own anyway.

“Why didn’t you say something before now?” Cosima stops, gently pulling her fingers out of me. 

“I was embarrassed so I… I lied at the beginning. I didn’t know then that I’d fall for you.” I try to sound apologetic, but naked on my back beneath her I feel vulnerable. 

“I figured that out like two minutes ago.” Cosima informs me with a long sigh. “So you’re a virgin? Have you ever done… like anything sexual?”

“Yes. I was… anyway.” I’m not anymore. Not after making love to Cosima. At least I don’t think so. I bite my lip again before answering the second part. “I’ve kissed boys. I made out a little. But no one’s clothes came off.” I leave out how boring I’d found it. I cannot have Cosima even considering that her touch bores me.

“You could have just told me the truth.” Cosima tells me, annoyance clear in her voice. “I needed to know this before _now_.”

“I was afraid.” I try to explain.

“Of what?!” Cosima raises her voice, climbing off of me and grabbing her shirt, she pulls it back on. Wanting to cover herself from me again.

I roll to my side, drawing up my knees. I don’t want to see the betrayed look on Cosima’s face. “That you’d think I was pathetic. That you’d lose interest in me.”

Cosima sighs behind me, burying her face in her hands. “I didn’t want to fuck a virgin. I didn’t even want a straight girl. I wanted another lesbian.”

“I’m sorry.”

“And…. this isn’t against you or anyone. It’s just _harder._ ” Cosima gets angry and smacks the bulkhead. Before pacing again. “Fuck… Delphine…”

“I am sorry, Cosima. It was never my intention to deceive you.” I tear up at her distress, unable to help myself especially as I see Cosima crying too.

She steps into the small W/C, leaving me alone. I feel more vulnerable than expected. Left alone in this bed. It feels wrong, empty. And I cannot stop my own hurt.

It feels too long, I cry a little bit, but endeavour to be quiet. I don’t want any complaints to staff. I'm not sure I could handle it if Cosima were to hear me crying either. There might already be complaints from the noises Cosima had made earlier. I hear Cosima cry through the thin walls and eventually, she comes back. It’s still not even six am. I don’t know how we’ll get through the rest of this night. How do you move on from this?  
  
She is still angry, I assume at first. I look up at her. Her eyes red from crying. But Cosima seems calmer.

  
“Cosima?” I shift further back on the bed, trying to make room for her. I haven’t bothered to dress, unlike Cosima who is back in her pyjamas. 

“Come here.” Cosima cajoles me as she slides into bed. She wraps her arms around me and kisses me softly. Then my cheek, then my forehead. There is affection here at least. I sink into it, a bit embarrassed of how needy I am.

I sniff a little. “You… you still want me?” I feel a little hopeful. Maybe, maybe everything would be okay after all.

“I want to hold you. We… we don’t have to do anything.” Cosima tells me firmly. “I just… I don’t want to leave you feeling abandoned right now.”

Cosima’s tone makes me wonder. I decide to ask. “What was your first time like?”

Cosima is silent a long time before she responds. “Worse than this.”

“What do you mean?”

Cosima turns, she looks up at the ceiling instead of at me and I move to cuddle her. To have some closeness with her. “When I was 16… I had a boyfriend.”

“You had a boyfriend?” I repeat dumbfounded. 

“Yeah. It was a huge mistake. We… we shouldn’t have ever been a thing. I mean… I liked him as a friend. He was attractive enough but… no desire on my end at all.”

“You made love with him.” I realize quickly. I struggle to picture it, Cosima in bed with a boy. Cosima doing _that_. It seems wrong somehow. But surely some people were more sexually flexible than others?

“Uhh if you want to call it that.” Cosima looks at me, her face suddenly very somber. “I wouldn’t. I hated every minute of it.”

“I’m sorry.” I cannot do much but apologize. I rest one hand on her clothed shoulder. Seeking some sort of closeness.

Cosima shakes her head, as if that could clear my concern. “People make stupid decisions. That was one of mine. We broke up within a couple weeks of that. And then… I started to admit to people that I was a lesbian. I… I was in love with a friend of mine and we… we had a thing for a while. When I made love with her… that felt good. _That_ felt right.”  
  


“You felt good.” I jump to assure Cosima. “You felt right… I promise. Je t’aime.”

“But you didn’t enjoy having me inside you.” Cosima points out. “It felt weird. Maybe even painful. It was pretty obvious you weren’t into it. Maybe I wasn’t gentle enough. I’m sorry.”

“You… you were fine.” I try to assure Cosima. “I _wanted_ you.” It is essential that Cosima believe that much. She must understand the depth of my feelings for her. 

“Not good enough.” Cosima tells me, shaking her head. “I didn’t want to deflower anyone… and here I am, in love with a French virgin.”

“But you did… you deflowered me.” I remind her.

  
“Not enough…We… we didn’t finish. So…” Cosima shrugs from her place on the bed. “Kind of interrupted, you know?”

“It wasn’t enough?” Why must this be so complicated with women? Shouldn’t this experience count for something?

“I cannot decide that for you.” Cosima shrugs. “But we… we didn’t _finish_.” Cosima emphasizes my lack of orgasm as if it is shameful. I blush without wanting to, biting my lip. I don’t know what to do now.

“I tried, Cosima… I tried to lose my virginity before we went to Amsterdam but… I didn’t manage it.” I turn to honesty.

Cosima turns to face me, looking at me in bed. “What do you mean you _tried_?”

“I asked Marc. But he refused me.” I don’t want to get into the details. I hope Cosima won’t ask too many questions.

Cosima looks back at me dumbfounded. “You said you didn’t want him.”

“I didn’t and I don’t! But you didn't want a virgin.” I try to fight tearing up. “I didn’t _want_ to be a liar. And I wanted you!”

“Do you still?”

“Yes.”

“I’m happy Marc turned you down. A little surprised actually.” Cosima rolls over to face me once again. “Here, let me hold you a while.”

I do, unsure of what else to say. 

Eventually we get up, I dress as quickly as possible. I can feel Cosima’s eyes on my body. She is still looking at me. We eat breakfast and Cosima avoids the subject of sex. Or maybe we both do. Too embarrassed to push further. 

“Let’s go.” Cosima states, pulling me from the dining car once we’ve arrived in Venice. “Time to go.”

“What do you want to do first?”

“So what now?” I ask Cosima, trailing after her with my backpack on. Are we friends? Are we lovers? 

“Well, I had grand romantic plans for our weekend.” Cosima admits. “Exploring Venice with you. Eating delicious Italian food. A gondola ride in the evening… I… I really wanted this trip to be something special.”

“Were you planning seduction?”  
  
Cosima smirks at me. “Maybe a very very slow seduction. I am not really sure how I am feeling about all that right now.”

“Alright.” I agree. “Do you want to go to St Mark’s square first?”

“Yes.” Cosima answers decisively. “I want to explore Venice with you.”  
  


I move to follow Cosima, guiding her towards the taxis not far from the train station.

“It’s beautiful.” Cosima looks around us and I am keen to agree. The dark water of the canals, the collections of various boats, the cobblestones and beautiful tall old buildings. It is as romantic as I had thought, even more so in Cosima's company.

“It is and so are you.” I tell Cosima openly, going to hold her hand. I am going to make the best of this trip. No matter if Cosima will not make love to me again. I can enjoy this, and I can love her, the best I can.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy fucking Christmas... :P

Cosima seems to enjoy the water taxi ride, as we both get our first views of the city. It is more beautiful than I thought. Even though I suspect a lot of it is to cater to tourists. The tall buildings, the piazzas, it is much like I’ve seen in photographs. And it would have been perfect, perfect for romancing Cosima. Instead I think back on an old dream.

“You know what I’ve always wanted to do?”

Cosima turns to face me briefly. “What?”

  
“I want to come to Venice for the masquerade. But it’s in February.” I sigh. “Not great weather to travel.” And it’s true, I had wanted to since I had read a book about it last year. Though, it was a novel and stumbling through Venice in the fog is likely less enjoyable in real life than a mystery novel.

“I think June will be nicer.” Cosima laughs at me. “Plus you could just like, buy a mask. And wear it.”

“People will think I am some sort of weird criminal.” I smile back. “Or a very strange frenchwoman.”

“Mmm… a little strange maybe. But I like it.” Cosima tells me. Her eyes still gazing out as our water taxi speeds on to our destination.

We step out of the water taxi and wander along the narrow cobblestone streets to the square. It’s larger than I expected, with cafés and shops lining one side of it. A large number of very fat pigeons litter the square. When I see a couple elderly tourists feeding them I understand why they are the size of small chickens.

“Wow.” Cosima breathes out looking around us. “It’s amazing.”

“It is beautiful. Do you want to try to see inside the cathedral?” I try to remember if it is a cathedral or a church. The Doge’s palace might be another place for us to tour this morning. I wonder if Cosima has an interest in gothic architecture or if her designs on Venice were purely romantic.

“And wait to be struck down by lightning?” Cosima teases me, raising an eyebrow.

“We will not be struck down. We’ve done nothing wrong.” I insist quietly.

“I read Italy isn’t the most accepting place.” Cosima looks at me seriously. 

“We will be fine.” I insist, and I’ll make sure it’s true. We stroll Piazza San Marco together, and opt to tour the Doge’s palace when it opens. It is remarkable, the art, the architecture.

Cosima and I stopped stunned under the ceiling in one room, filled with different paintings.

  
“Oh wow.” Cosima breathes softly. “This… this was worth it.”

“It was…” I agree, I lean over to Cosima, try to move my hand towards hers but she shakes her head and quickly pulls away.

  
“It is beautiful. OK. Maybe I do want to see the Basilica. But not because it was a church, only because it’s included in our tour fee.” Cosima tells me pointedly. I laugh, remembering how Cosima had refused to enter Notre-Dame in Paris. 

“Next up is the prison.” I laugh, and Cosima and I follow the tour guide, who is speaking a mixture of Italian and English to the cells. She points out the bridge of sighs, visible through the stonework and we continue. I try to pay attention to the tour. We’d spent money on this, but instead, I find myself watching Cosima.

“This is horrible.” Cosima comments as the tour guide leads us through the torture chamber and then to a cell with squeaking wooden floors where she begins weaving the tale of the escape of Giacomo Casanova.

“Was he even a real person?” Cosima whispers to me.

I shrug in response. “I guess so.” I hadn’t thought much about it, but the stories are certainly amusing. Perhaps like many legends there was a grain of truth, somewhere.

We stay for the basilica, and Cosima digs out her camera again, snapping photos. She lets me photograph her with the scenery and next to interesting buildings and art. The cathedral is beautiful, different but easily the equal of Notre-Dame in beauty. It is difficult to imagine this was constructed to be a private chapel. But I can imagine a Duke of Venice being that full of himself, even if it was an elected position.

“Lunch?” Cosima asks me when we exit the tour back into the piazza. 

“Please.” I agree easily, and we continue, wandering around Venice, across bridges and down twisting cobblestone roads. But this city, unlike modern Paris, was made for pedestrians, and boats. 

“Ooh… this smells good.” Cosima points towards a restaurant off the path and I nod in agreement, we enter and browse the menus. Pleased with the selection, Cosima quickly chooses an entree but when the server approaches I order for both of us. My Italian from secondary school is still passable. At least enough for this.

  
“You didn’t tell me you spoke Italian?” Cosima looks at me startled. “But you did order what I wanted so… thanks.”

  
“I am not fluent. I speak some. Enough to get by.” I explain quickly. “He probably speaks English honestly. Venice is very attractive to tourists.” It’s true, this time my parents likely had no qualms about my destination, perhaps about my travel companion.

“Delphine,” Cosima tilts her head at me looking at me intently across the table. “We are both tourists.”

  
“Right.” Cosima is right of course, here, I am as much of a tourist as Cosima is. Just from a lesser distance. Venice is new to me as well.

“So after lunch, we can check into the hotel, we’ll have to water taxi there I think…” Cosima checks the itinerary in a small book where she’s made notes. 

  
“That sounds good.” I agree. “Drop off our bags. And then… explore some more?”

“I’d like that. I saw a leaning tower earlier. I might go try to find it again.”

  
“Why? We aren’t in Pisa?” I tease.

“Just think it’s kind of cool. That’s all.” Cosima shrugs. “Then we can go looking for a mask for you and your weird masquerade fantasy… I’m thinking authentic Italian pizza for supper tonight?”  
  
“Sounds wonderful.” I agree easily. “How… how are you feeling after…?” Cosima’s eyes close briefly, and I know I have asked the wrong question.   
  


“You lied to me, Delphine. That… that’s the worst part.” Cosima opens her dark eyes to regard me seriously. “The rest of it? Like… oh well. But the _lying_ …And really.. You only set yourself up for...”

I interrupt Cosima impatiently. “But you know why I did it!”

“Oh… I know why. I kept saying how pathetic virgins are. I even called my friend Scott a pathetic virgin on the phone in front of you when telling him I needed him to pick up my shit from Lori’s with his mom’s minivan.” Cosima briefly covers her face. Embarrassment? Maybe there was part of her that was sorry after all.

“I remember.” 

“I am not sorry.” Cosima looks at me. “I mean… I am sorry if I implied you were pathetic. But I am not sorry for stopping. And I’m _not_ sorry for not wanting a virgin.”

“OK.” I agree quietly. Unsure of what else I can do.

“You’ll be 20 in less than six months Delphine… you did kind of wait a long time to…” Cosima looks pointedly at me again.

“I know that!” I snap back.

“Oh… I hit a nerve.” Cosima stops, maybe in surprise.  
  
“Yes. You hit a nerve. I wanted you. I _actually_ wanted you… do you know how remarkable that is for me? To feel like this? The love I feel for you, Cosima…” I drop my voice, cutting myself off as other patrons enter the small restaurant.

Cosima shudders visibly, and grips my hand with one of her own. “Oh Delphine…” She breathes very quietly after a while. “I don’t want to talk about this here.”

  
“Then where?” I prompt.   
  
“At the hotel.” Cosima swallows thickly, and I know I am getting to her. That I am making progress reaching her again. In the end, Cosima had chosen the hotel. 

We finish lunch, Cosima trying to make light conversation with me, but I find myself somewhat impatient. I want to talk about us. I want to talk about something real.

* * *

We reach the hotel by water taxi and it is beautiful. A large older palazzo converted into a hotel.

  
“It is gorgeous.” I exclaim.

  
“Yeah.” Cosima responds quietly. We go in and Cosima insists on checking in, the enough of the staff speaking passable English to get by. I wander the lobby, admiring the antique furniture, the grand staircase. I cannot imagine a more perfect or romantic place.

“So the good news… they let us check in early.” Cosima gets my attention with a soft hand to my shoulder. She holds up two small keys.

  
“That is good… what is the bad news?”   
  


“I… couldn’t change our room.” Cosima tells me softly.

“Why… why is that bad news?” I cannot understand this.

“Well… just… don’t freak out when you see it.” Cosima mutters, and we climb the stairs, we find room 208 easily, and the door easily unlocks. 

  
I step into a beautiful room, more antique couches and through an open doorway, a large bed with a mounted headboard dominating most of the smaller room. A bathroom with a shower and a clawfoot tub is off another doorway. This… this was expensive. I realize. Cosima must have fronted more than half of the cost. What she’d asked me for wasn’t enough.

  
“This… this is beautiful.. But only one bed?” I look immediately to Cosima who avoids my eyes.

  
“OK… I… had plans. We weren't supposed to check in until this evening.” Cosima explains. “And I was going to get a gondola to take us here… and then we’d step into this room.”   
  


“You were going to seduce me.” I surmise easily. I can picture it. Cosima cuddled close to me in a gondola, playing with my fingers and whispering in my ear. Cosima pulling me to her on the large bed. Cosima kissing me intently, Cosima slowly undressing me. I shudder unconsciously. That is what we should have had. What we should still have.

“I was… yeah.” Cosima sighs. “I just… I really wanted you, Delphine. And I thought, a romantic weekend in Venice with plenty of privacy would help us get there.”

“So make love to me.” I tell Cosima, quickly dropping my backpack to the wooden floor. “Make love to me now.”

“You cannot be serious!” Cosima exclaims, turning to look at me. “After the train ride… what are you on about?” 

“Then… let me have you again. You don't have to touch me.” I beg, looking at Cosima across the room. The bed is both beautiful, and looks sturdy enough to withstand as much lovemaking as we can throw at it. 

“What?” Cosima puts her bag down on the floor and stares back at me. 

“I want you.” I plead.

“No.” Cosima tells me firmly. “We are not having sex again. You lied to me, Delphine. Remember?”

I climb onto the bed and sit in silence for a while. “I woke up to you… Tu étais en train de te tripoter! When exactly was I supposed to tell you?” I realize that I lack a few words from my English vocabulary after all. I don’t tell her about Amsterdam. I don’t have the heart to right now.

“I know.” Cosima puts together what I am saying, either from familiarity or context. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. And I don’t know… _before_ I was two fingers deep in you?”

“Were you thinking about this? About your plans?” I ask wildly, waving my hands around the room. 

Cosima looks down at the floor. “Yes.” 

  
“Then _have_ me.” I demand softly. “You can have me. And… maybe I don’t know much about sex. But if I had been with men, it would be very much the same, right?” Cosima must have known I wouldn’t know much about making love to a woman. Why does it have to be different.   
  


“I’d still have to show you how. Yeah.” Cosima nods. “It would… it would be, except the… you not enjoying it part.”

“I did enjoy parts of it. And we could… try again.” I throw out, there is no reason we shouldn’t. It is preferable to trying to do this in my family’s apartment. As large as it is. 

  
“You know what I mean.” Cosima sighs, flopping down next to me on the bed. “Do you want to go down and see if they can change our room?”

“Non. Absolutely not.” 

“Delphine… come on.” Cosima glances over at me. “Like, you really want to share a bed with me tonight? After everything else?”

“Yes. Please.” I pause before continuing, trying to catch Cosima’s eyes with my own. “And I want my gondola ride.”

  
“Seriously?” Cosima looks up at me.

“Let’s explore around this _quartier._ And then… we’ll take a gondola back.” I beg Cosima, who looks at me considering before following me. We sort through our belongings, again taking our valuables with us and only leaving our packed clothes behind.

“You could shower first if you want. I know you didn’t on the train. I did.” Cosima offers. “I have a book to read.”

“Alright.” I agree. I am no doubt a bit sweaty, and maybe I should make more of an effort to get Cosima’s fantasy back on track.

I emerge, freshly cleaned, in a knee length black dress.   
  
“Perfect.” Cosima tells me. “Come on. Let’s go out for a bit.”

And I follow Cosima out, knowing that whatever comes from this I must still try. I want to too badly. I want Cosima too badly. We stroll the narrow streets, visit various shops, tourist traps and otherwise. Even with a map, we manage to get lost three times in the afternoon.

“It is perfect weather.” I tell Cosima. “It was the right time to come to Venice.”

  
“It was.” Cosima nods, but there’s still a tension in her. I try to take it away by squeezing her hand with my own. By engaging her on stem cell research and what she’s reading in French now. I buy us each a small mask, and agree to carry the bag. 

  
“So touristy.” Cosima wrinkles her nose at the masks, but hers is red and perfect. A perfect souvenir.

“We are tourists.” I remind Cosima. “Do you want to look at clothes?”

  
“Yeah. I am thinking I might end my butch phase.” Cosima laughs.

  
I puzzle at her wording. “Butch phase?”

Cosima waves a hand down her body. “I… I have been dressing like this for three years. Shaving my head off and on too. If I don’t… it curls and…” Cosima trails off. “It’s… it’s a look. I just… I wanted to be as lesbian as possible. Now… I just… I want to look different.”

“You’ll look beautiful in anything.” I assure a charmed Cosima, and we continue exploring Venice. It is, after all, a very romantic city.

* * *

We pass several gondolas after grabbing a quick bite of pizza for supper. I treat Cosima to gelato when we pass a gelateria. I am not sure if I enjoy lemon more than pistacchio, and I lick the sweetness of it off the tiny plastic spoon. Cosima chose only fruit flavours and is currently enjoying blackberry.

  
“OK. This was a pretty wonderful day after all.” Cosima tells me, squeezing my hand. “Thank you.”

“Thank you.” I run one hand over Cosima’s short hair, caressing her face. I watch her soften before me again. 

“I guess you’re expecting your gondola ride now?” Cosima looks me over.

  
“I am, yes.” I insist softly. 

Cosima approaches a gondolier sighing and we manage to barter him down a little to take us back to the hotel. It is still overpriced, and I pay for the ride. I want this. I need this with Cosima.

  
“First time in Venezia, girls?” He calls at us. “Gondola!!!” He calls as we pass under the first bridge. He continues his tourist spiel but my attention is on Cosima. We are taken on a scenic route, under bridges and along the grand canal. It is as romantic as I dreamed, reclined on cushions in a gondola, almost cuddling into Cosima. We pass other boats, but I pay them no mind. This is ours. And I won’t let nerves take it away. Or fear of what someone else might say.

  
Cosima finally turns to look at me when I put my arm around her. Our gondolier is again distracted and I choose my moment. Now before we have to disembark. 

“Je t’aime.” I lean in, whispering into her ear. I push forward, making our lips collide and Cosima whimpers into my mouth, letting me kiss her. I whisper to her again. “J’ai envie de toi. Je veux te faire l’amour.”

“Right here in the gondola?” Cosima whispers back, teasing me.

  
“I would. If he wouldn’t throw us out.” I respond seriously. And Cosima just sighs and plays with my hair.

  
We climb out at the hotel, our gondolier now eying us somewhat suspiciously we quickly leave. Needing to get back to our room.

  
“I’m going to shower.” Cosima announces and vanishes into the bathroom. I begin sorting though my bag. Do I have anything....sexy? I consider stripping down to my bra and panties, but opt to remain dressed. Cosima may still say no. Cosima may not want to now. 

  
But at least there had been a kiss. There is hope. And we have time. A couple months left. It will be enough. I tell myself. I briefly look through Cosima’s book. La Venus d’Ille. Probably assigned reading from one of her courses. I have read it, years ago, and I smile briefly at the sight. 

“Hey Delphine.” Cosima returns from the washroom closing the door behind her. Her short hair is still damp from the shower. She’s thrown her spare pair of pyjamas back on. Whatever she’d worn on the train packed away.

“Hi.” I offer softly. Things had been both wonderful and awkward today. And I wasn’t sure how this night would go. If one of us should sleep on the couch. If we’d sleep back to back without touching. 

“I need to do this right.” Cosima tells me and then she’s kissing me intently, gently letting her hands roam my body, sliding them under my shirt as I stand to bring her in closer.

“What right?” I press myself into Cosima, kissing deeply. Stroking her lips and mouth with my tongue when she lets me. We reluctantly break the kiss, I keep my arms wrapped around her small form. I don’t want to let go. Maybe I never will.  
  
“I need to make love to you again.” Cosima tells me softly. “We’re going to do this right this time. If I am going to do this… I have to do this right. I want to finish what we started.”

  
I sigh, and moan softly pulling Cosima into me. I let her press me into the bed, let her stroke my hair. We kiss, and for several long minutes neither of us push forward from letting our lips meet and cling. 

“Fuck…” Cosima breathes, breaking the kiss. I rest my forehead against hers, not wanting to completely separate.

  
“Cosima… Cosima…” I breathe her name which excites her further, and she’s on top of me again. She unbuttons my dress and I sit to allow her to remove it. She looks down at me in my bra and underwear, both simple white fabric. 

“I want you…” Cosima whines at me. “I want to make this perfect… if I have to be your first. I need this to be perfect.”

“Please. S’il te plait.” I beg her, hauling her back into kiss. I unfasten her pants with minimal scrambling and pull her t-shift off over her head.   
  
Cosima laughs down at me. Her breasts are bare and I delight in them, I lean up to softly kiss them. I am uncertain, but determined. I kiss along her skin, looking up at her curiously.

“Ohh.” Cosima sways. “I… Yes… I like that. You can suck on me if you…” I stare at her nipples a moment, and then I open my mouth. If that is what Cosima wants, she can have it. She can have anything, I think as I taste her skin.   
  
I lean forward sucking firmly and am met with a low groan from Cosima, I repeat the action until Cosima pushes me back by my shoulder, moving her body to sit across my thighs. Straddling me.

“Shit…” Cosima curses and she laughs. “Now lay back and let me do this.” 

I nod. Cosima undoes my bra with one hand and smirks at me when the clasp pops free. I can only assume she’s had lots of practice at this. 

“I want you.” I repeat. In response she kisses me again, leaning forward to pull first my bra, and then my panties from my body. When I am stripped she looks down at me and smiles.

“Hey gorgeous.” Cosima grins at me.

“Hi.” I respond before I begin pulling at Cosima’s pyjama pants. “Take this off.”

“OK.” Cosima moves away, shucking off her pants and her underwear before moving back over me. She presses her naked body into mine. Chest to calves and I sigh in response. 

“How does this feel?” Cosima strokes me, from breast to hip, looking at me. 

“It feels good.” I murmur, feeling that somehow she needs to hear it. That she needs reassurance. Her hand moves up my thigh to my sex and I shudder in response. 

“And this?” Cosima asks as she begins to lower her body. Fingertips gently teasing against my sex. I am wet, and Cosima softly strokes me. Making no efforts to enter me, she sighs and continues kissing down my body. She sucks one nipple and then the other, but doesn’t stop there as I did, she keeps moving.

“It feels good.” It is the sort of thing I was expecting. Touching each other. Kissing. Soft skin pressed down against my own.

“Good… I am going to make you want me inside you.” Cosima tells me confidently. “I’m going to work you up until you’re begging for it. And then… then I will give in.”

I moan and bite my lip, but Cosima does little more than lower her body again. She kisses down my ribs and across my belly, stopping only when she reaches the tuft of hair.

“What are you doing?” I prop myself up slightly. This… this is not what I expected. Though, maybe I shouldn’t be surprised.

“I want to taste you.” Cosima explains, nuzzling at the hair. “I want to take you in my mouth.”

The idea of Cosima’s mouth on me stuns me into silence for a few minutes. I nod, not trusting my words. I remember her fixation with the art of this act. 

“Ohh.” Cosima breaths softly, she parts me first with her tongue and I almost jump beneath her. I quickly learn to expect the sensations; Cosima’s warm breath, the flat of her tongue, the touch of her lips. I watch her, and she is enthralled, she wants this. And I will let her have it.

“Cosima!” I plead with her as she intensifies her motions, and I realize she means to bring me to orgasm like this. This isn’t a tease, not some way to prepare me for penetration. This is what Cosima wants.

“Mmmm…” Cosima hums into me, capturing me tightly in her lips. She sucks and presses her tongue rapidly against me. And I keen loudly, I feel like I might burst, like whatever comes after this is bound to overwhelm me entirely.

  
“Cosima… it almost hurts.” I tell her, and she releases me quickly.

  
“OK... “ Cosima tries to catch her breath. “We’ll… we’ll try something else if that’s too intense.”

“Intense. Yes.” I agree. But I am nearly breathless too and aching, aching for my Cosima.  
  


Cosima raises her head, her mouth wet and chin slick with my own arousal. “Do you want me inside you now? Do you want to feel me like that? Do you want me inside you when you come?” Cosima’s voice is wavering and low and I cannot stop the arousal that floods through me at her words. 

  
“Yes…” I sigh and I feel her press into me. It is easier this time. Maybe because I am less nervous. Maybe simply because we’d done it before on the train. Maybe because it is only one finger. She moves so gently, I am amazed. 

“Can you take more of me?” Cosima asks. “Do you like it?”

“Oui...Oui,...” I breathe out and I ease into it. I can do this. This can be easy. I can take Cosima. I can love Cosima. I can give her what she wants. 

“I’m inside you, Delphine.” Cosima murmurs, working softly, she withdraws coating her fingers in my arousal and slowly sliding back in with two fingers. 

“Je le sais.” I coo to her, pulling her back to kiss again. She obliges me instantly with a deep kiss, she stills inside me for a moment, letting me adjust.

  
She moans into my mouth and I cry out at the sound. “Je t’aime!” I plead with her. I feel the same strange fullness, but I try to relax into it. I let Cosima take me and I whimper. I take...pleasure in it. And I moan a little more, move a little more with her.

Like her mouth before, it soon gets intense. I become more sensitive, unconsciously clamping down on Cosima as I tighten around her. Her thumb brushes against my swollen sex, likely trying to take me over the edge. She wants me to orgasm, I remind myself, surely… surely I can do that if I don’t explode first.

  
“Just… let yourself come.” Cosima pleads with me. “You feel close… what do you need?”

“I don’t know.” I whimper back and am surprised when Cosima takes me into her mouth again, she sucks softly and it’s too much. Far too much. My eyes water and the sensation of Cosima’s mouth threatens to overwhelm me again.  
  
“Arrête” I plead finally. And Cosima still, instantly lifting her mouth. 

“What’s wrong?” Cosima croons at me. “I… I want you to come. I mean, if you still want to.”

“It’s… so much.” I tell her finally. “I… I don’t know…” It certainly doesn’t feel like _this_ when I touch myself. It doesn’t build like this. Doesn’t make me cry. And I know I am crying now, I can feel the tears slipping down my cheeks even as Cosima looks up at me tenderly.

“Just relax.” Cosima offers desperately. “Just relax and I’ll take care of you. Let me try, please.”   
  
“OK.” I swallow and let Cosima continue, she works me, and I scream or laugh, I am not even sure anymore. When I shudder, she continues to work me and finally I break, releasing and she softly kisses me until I still on the bed.

“Oh Delphine.” Cosima kisses up my body eagerly. And I grip her firmly, I kiss her ravenously, and I taste myself on her lips. Is this what it’s like to make love with another woman? Am I a lesbian? I wonder aimlessly as I want to lose myself in Cosima again. I want Cosima. I want her pleasure.

“J’ai besoin de toi.” I tell Cosima caressing her back. She guides my right hand to her sex and I enter her instantly with two fingers. She is more aroused than before, as if making love to me is the biggest aphrodisiac she could imagine. And maybe it is. I realize as I follow the rhythm Cosima is setting for me.

  
“Take me… take me…” Cosima pleads. She moves herself over my body, and kisses me again. I push my fingers up and in. I remember last time. I remember what to do. I can make Cosima writhe and climax and cry out. I can be inside her. I can make love to her. And I will.   
  
But unlike last time, it takes only a couple minutes before Cosima orgasms. She lays herself down against me breathing heavily. She kisses my cheek and wraps her arms around me. 

“I love you.” Cosima tells me, kissing me again. “I love you, Delphine.”

I cry again, pushing myself into Cosima. I will have her again, I decide kissing her neck, I graze my fingertips over her sensitive sex and she keens. 

“Yes… yes… yes…” Cosima pleads with me. And I am too eager to indulge her. To continue this experiment. To learn what pleasure I can bring Cosima. To learn how to be her lover.


	11. Chapter 11

We get up to bathe… eventually. And I find I am a little sore, but otherwise feel no consequences for our hours of lovemaking. There had been no bleeding, no pain. Just enjoying Cosima. Cosima and her love. 

  
“Get in the bath with me?” Cosima asks. And I nod, we strip the comforter off of the bed and hand it over the couch - to dry it out I presume. I wasn’t expecting quite as much mess as we ended up with. 

“Yes.” I climb into the bath with Cosima and we wash. Tiny bottles of fragrant smelling bath products. Cosima smiles and pours some into her hands and washes me, I grin letting her. I hum happily, and we rest against each other in the warm water. I let my eyes take her in, trying to memorize everything. The way her skin feels underneath my hands. The curve of her smile. What her naked body looks like in the water. What she feels like pressed against me.

“How are you feeling?” Cosima asks me resting her head against me. She curls into my body, pressing her face into my neck as her hands gently graze my skin starting from my hips upwards.

“Good. A little sore.” I admit. Though wasn’t that to be expected? 

“Yeah I probably should have eased up on you a little… the third round I was a little aggressive.” Cosima admits wincing. 

“Non. I enjoyed it. I just… I need a break.” It brings the memory back quickly, Cosima moving over me, moving in to me in quick motions. Her little noises may have been my favourite part. Every sound she made increased my arousal. I sigh and bite my lip, finding the recent memory very arousing.

“OK.” Cosima smiles with a laugh. “Are you…?”

“I’m hungry.” I admit. It seems almost inappropriate to suggest we get dressed and go outside. 

“We could get dressed, try to find some food.” Cosima offers. “I don’t think it’s that late.” And Cosima’s right. We dress, kissing tenderly and Cosima leads me by the hand out into the Venetian night. We find another gelateria and eat, this time we share a large cup of gelato and feed each other. People largely leave us alone.

“I am so happy.” I mumble, leaning into Cosima. I feel a contentment, a completeness in Cosima’s arms. More than I thought I would. 

“Me too.” Cosima leans in, letting me nuzzle her and we stand to leave. “We… shouldn’t do this in public. I don’t know enough about attitudes in Venice.” Cosima tells me apologetically.

I nod, understanding. “Je t’aime…” I know then I’ll learn to be careful, to assess a situation or environment to keep us safe. I must learn, and quickly.

We walk, hand in hand back to the hotel. We climb the stairs back to our room and shut the door. I look at the bed differently now, it’s the same construction, the same dark wood headboard mounted to the wall. The same sheets. But it means something different to me now. It’s where I had Cosima. 

“Do you want to make love again?” Cosima asks me softly. She looks at me, dark eyes hopeful.

“Again?” I cannot help but laugh. Surely, we’d done plenty of that for one night. And yet, I don’t think I can deny her. 

“Yeah. We can keep going.” Cosima tells me. “Or not if you’re sore. Or I can just touch you or… taste you.”

“Do you...always do that?” I ask, unable to keep myself from wrinkling my nose. It’s a memorable experience, if a different one.

“Do what?” Cosima laughs.

“Tu… m’a fait un cunni.” I say softly, cautiously choosing my words to not be too vulgar. “Cunnilingus.” I repeat when Cosima looks at me puzzled. I suppose I should have used less slang. How could I expect Cosima to know that? 

“Yeah I did.” Cosima grins delightedly. “I  _ love _ it… But I don’t do that to girls I just met. Usually.” Cosima admits tilting her head.

“So not always.”

“No. Not always, just a lot.” Cosima concedes. “And I really wanted to with you.”

“Why?” I don’t understand the fixation. My brother scoffs at doing such a thing, and unfortunately the walls of our apartment were only so thick that I had heard him refusing on more than one occasion. 

“Because you smell really good.” Cosima laughs looking back at me like it should be obvious. “You saw me in the Sexmusuem. You know I like this stuff…” Cosima leans slightly towards me, poking out her tongue playfully. 

“I wish we had another night in Venice.” I sigh. I don’t want to go home. I don’t want to go back to my real life. I want to stay here, with Cosima.

“Yeah. We’ll have to take the train back. But we can explore all day.” Cosima promises me. “The city or each other… whatever you want. But check out is at 10 am. So then it’s definitely the city and we’re on the train before 5 pm.”

“I want to do both.” I tell her very seriously.

Cosima cocks one eyebrow at me playfully. “There’s always the train.”   
  


I laugh at the thought now, of passing the hours en route back to Paris making love with Cosima. That should be enough. As luxurious as this room is, there will be time later. Months in fact. I don’t have to do everything tonight.

“Do you still want to go to Murano? See them blowing glass?” I suggest one of the ideas for our trip, it sounds like a good distraction. 

“Yes!” Cosima responds instantly. “We can go tomorrow morning and come back for a late lunch.”

“I want to do that.” I decide. I want to experience as much of this as I can with Cosima. Soak it all in and hope to remember it clearly. Forever.

“Kiss me?” Cosima asks quietly, and I move to indulge her. To hold and kiss Cosima. To smooth my hands over her soft skin. It’s irresistible. A delight to hold Cosima, to marvel at her body with mine.

We make love again, very gently. All soft hands moving over me, rubbing gently against my tender sex. I draw Cosima to my mouth and kiss her breathless and feel... Satisfied. 

* * *

We arrive home in Paris exhausted sometime after breakfast Sunday morning. The train station is as busy as ever and everything I see around me looks exactly the same. Cosima, too, is the same. She leads me from the train station to the metro and we sit close, her hand stroking my face. We are lovers now, I smile to myself at the thought. That is different.

“I wish we had more time alone.” Cosima murmurs to me. We’d spent Saturday enjoying Venice until we boarded the train. We’d made love in our sleeper car until we were exhausted, trying desperately not to make too much noise. I thought I’d be satisfied. I thought that somehow we’d satiate our desire, that things would slow and lull now. But if anything - a kiss from Cosima, a touch of her hand to my hip, a word… seemed to rouse me again even more strongly than before. 

“Moi aussi.” I sigh at her.  _ Mon amoureuse _ . I wrap one arm around Cosima, not caring what the other people on the metro might think. As if our love were any of their concern. 

We’re most of the way to the courtyard gate when Cosima stops me with her hand.    
  


“One more kiss.” Cosima looks at me with a soft smile, she pushes up on her toes and I lean down to indulge her.

“En français, Cosima…” I tease her, inches away from her lips.

“Embrasse-moi.” Cosima tells me without hesitation, eyes gleaming. And I do, I kiss her softly. After all, if I am going to be with Cosima I cannot care what anyone may think. We break the kiss reluctantly, and I open the gate. 

“Here goes.” Cosima sighs, following me home. “I totally need a shower. And then… do you want to go anywhere this afternoon? I’d invite you to nap… but I don’t think we’re capable of that right now.” 

“I want to do more. I don’t want… I don’t want to go home alone.” I tell Cosima softly. I don’t really want to nap either. The temporary nature of our...relationship hits me. We have a little over two months and then Cosima will leave. Then  _ we _ will be an ocean apart. I cannot afford to waste time.

“Let me drop my stuff off at the Lalonde’s and I can come right up.” Cosima promises me. She gives me a soft kiss, a gentle pressing of lips, and I melt in response.

I am giddy as I climb up into my family’s apartment. Happier still, when I discover it is empty. My parents are out doing...something. Good, I think instantly. I don’t have to deal with that complication right now. I honestly doubt my father would notice, as self-consumed as he can be. Neither would Sebastien, he never paid enough attention to anyone’s life but his own… but my mother… she, she would notice. Especially if she were to find Cosima in my bed. 

“Delphine? Are you alone?” Cosima’s voice calls out into the large apartment. “I locked the door behind me.”

“Join me!” I call, and am delighted when Cosima does, drawing back the shower curtain and climbing in with me. 

“Delphine…” Cosima moans at me, and draws me into a kiss again. Her hands roaming over my bare skin. We bathe, for a while, but soon give up washing for kissing and touching. I cannot get enough. I need more. I need more of Cosima. I need everything. 

I drop to my knees in front of her, and press my face to her belly. I kiss the soft skin I find there enthusiastically. I love her smell. I inhale deeply and moan. Pheromones? Arousal? The mix of the two had my head spinning madly, my nose pressed to wet skin. I draw one hand down, and begin to tease her, first toying with her pubic hair and then going to stimulate her better with my fingers. 

“Holy shit.” Cosima looks down at me in the spray and begins to giggle madly. 

“T’es belle.” I sigh. “So good...” I have no intention of moving, there’s no reason I cannot have Cosima just like this. 

Cosima laughs at me again. “You’re...you’re like pussy-drunk!”

I scowl in response. “I just... I love the way you smell.” Maybe I am a bit intoxicated by Cosima, but the word seems wrong. 

“And the straight girl is hooked.” Cosima teases, pushing my head down. “Care for a taste?”

I stop, pulling myself back up to my feet, to cup Cosima’s jaw in my hand. I lean in to kiss her deeply, letting my tongue probe at her. “If that is what you want, yes. But let’s move to my bed.” It is safer that way, behind a closed and locked door. And that is what we’ll do.

We towel off as quickly as we can, and make a break for my bedroom. The apartment is still empty we settle in my small bed and shut the door.

  
“Lay down.” I demand, trying to exert some kind of control on the situation. I am nervous, but I try not to show it. I want to be better than that for Cosima. And I have pleased her before. This… this doesn’t have to be different.

“Alright.” Cosima only smiles again laying back. 

I start at her jaw, kissing down. I stop at her breasts and play with them for a while, then I find myself fixated on each inch of skin that comes into view. Her ribs, easily palpated through her skin. Her navel. The jut of a perfect hip bone, the curve of her hip.

“Tu es belle, Cosima.” I promise her and find her looking down at me, biting her lip with a delighted anticipation. She’s craving this, and it increases my desire to give it to her.

“Taste me.” Cosima demands softly. “If you want to… just taste me.”

I shouldn’t be nervous but I am. But it’s just a new way to please my Cosima…and that I must do. I slowly manoeuvre my body lower on the bed, almost crouching at the bottom of my bed.

Cosima is splayed before me, her sex swollen and ready for my attentions. I sigh and breathe in, lowering my face. She certainly smells good. And that, I decide, is enough. I lean in for a first tentative lick. 

Cosima moans, and I repeat the motion. I can learn this too, I think. Learn to please Cosima anyway she wants. I find I enjoy it, even as I readjust trying to figure this out.

“Like this?” I break contact to ask Cosima. I try to learn how to stagger my breathing, how best to stimulate her with lips and tongue. I nuzzle the wiry curls and breathe in her scent, so strong now it’s everywhere. It’s perfect. Submerging myself in Cosima, in my lover.

“Yes please….” Cosima’s voice is little more than a whine.

She is soft, silky wet under my lips and tongue. I lick her again, gathering the heady taste of her arousal on my tongue. I groan openly, unsure of why anyone  _ wouldn’t _ want to do this. 

I pleasure her, eventually bringing my hand to join my mouth. Intent on giving Cosima as much enjoyment as possible. 

“Delphine! Delphine!” Cosima moaning and crying out for me and I’m the one enthralled.

Cosima’s orgasm is beautiful, I look up over the plane of her body, mouth pressed to intimate flesh. 

I crawl up her body, kissing as I go. Feeling like I have totally immersed myself in my lover. Perhaps I am becoming an addict. I cannot get enough of her. Her skin against mine. The taste of her arousal, of her body. Her sounds. 

I rub myself against her, gliding wetly. My own enjoyment obvious and Cosima moans at this too.

“You’re so wet!” Cosima delights in it, in my body. In my reactions. “You got so wet eating me out…”

“Tu es délicieuse…” I promise Cosima. “J’ai envie de toi.”

Cosima looks at me and hauls me in to her. “I want more.” She kisses me deeply, wanting to taste herself and I want her again, immediately.

I shudder and let Cosima return the favour, trying desperately not to make too much noise. An afternoon of lovemaking is the perfect thing. I decide. I will show Cosima my inexperience isn’t a deficit. I will love her any way she’ll have me.

* * *

We redress, kissing tenderly. It’s just after noon now, and I find I am hungry again. As if my body confuses the taste of Cosima with my craving for sustenance. I cannot get enough of her. Je suis accro. Toxicomane. And I find I don’t care.

“I am so happy.” Cosima tells me. “I... I am sorry I was such a jerk about the virgin thing when we met.”

“Are you?” I wonder as I redress. I toss a clean dress of mine to Cosima. “You can wear this if you like.”

“Yeah.” Cosima agrees, putting on the loose dress. It’s a little big on her but I find the effect compelling and I must kiss her again. “I really would have missed out.” Cosima leans in to kiss me again. 

We emerge from my room to find my mother drinking coffee and smoking a cigarette on the small balcony. I feign nonchalance and begin preparing a simple lunch for Cosima and I. Surely this is no different than Sebastien and his girls. 

Cosima seems mildly nervous but is projecting an air of being unperturbed. I take the block of cheese from the fridge and being slicing it.

  
“Do you like croque monsieur?” I ask Cosima, opting to ignore my mother as she approaches slowly. Apparently she doesn't know what to say either. I begin fixing our sandwiches and am about to pop them into the oven when my mother finally speaks.

“Delphine, Cosima.” My mother greets us tensely.

“How… how long have you been home?” I need to know. I need to know how much she heard. I am aware enough to know I had no idea what else was going on when I was wrapped up in Cosima. And why would I? It was too wonderful to think of anything else.

“Long enough.” My mother rolls her eyes, sighing. “I know what you’ve been doing. Even your papa knows now.”

“Hey…” Cosima waves awkwardly. “Like, should I go for this conversation? Do you… do you need to be alone?” She looks between my mother and I. I wonder briefly where my father has gone if he had overheard us but decide it is unimportant.

“You should go, Cosima.” My mother tells her directly. But I won’t have it.

“Non!” I exclaim over my mother. “We are going to have lunch. Would you like one, maman?”

My mother shakes her head and sits down, looking at us. And I don’t even know what to say.

  
  



End file.
